Not Ashamed: Sexual Assault

If you haven't already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

(Trigger warning: sexual violence)

Before I say the things that keep crowding my brain, causing me to write a topic out of order again (and there's a second topic close behind, so I guarantee we'll continue to be out of order), there are a few things I wanted to make clear.

1. In my list of labels, I called this "victimised by a sexual predator." I chose that phrase very carefully to put the blame where it belongs and to make it clear that I don't think of myself, in general, as a victim. Yes, in this context, I was the victim of the act, but I am not a victim. I'm a strong, capable person who has had some crap things happen to them.
2. I won't be describing anything about what happened. And, no matter who you are, I'm not interested in talking about it. I've gotten professional help. I'm okay. There's no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn't have done anything. Please, don't beat yourself up, don't wonder, don't ask.)
3. Terms! Let's make sure those are definite. I'm just going to paste some definitions here. I'm grabbing them from Wikipedia, because, in this case, they're a good starting point.
   • Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.
   • Sexual violence is any sexual act or attempt to obtain a sexual act by violence or coercion, unwanted sexual comments or advances, acts to traffic a person or acts directed against a person's sexuality, regardless of the relationship to the victim. It occurs in times of peace and armed conflict situations, is widespread and is considered to be one of the most traumatic, pervasive, and most common human rights violations.

Even though what happened to me falls under the narrower umbrella of sexual assault, what I'm going to say here is applicable, in my opinion, to all sexual violence.

I have, more than once, been in a room with people who quietly and timidly "confessed" they'd been the victim of sexual violence. I've seen them carry shame (and I carried it for a while for my own case) that wasn't theirs to carry. I've seen how the shame and the unaddressed trauma from what happened has had long-reaching, negative impacts for years and years. I've seen how that shame is so heavy that those who speak up are considered brave.

And, yes, if you "confess" that you've been a victim, that is brave. But! "Confess" carries some connotations that only deepen the sense that you have a reason to carry shame. And I hate that for you. I don't want you to carry shame, because, and this is important, that shame belongs to the person(s) who victimised you. And, that's the main thing I want to communicate here. (That and how great it was for me to get help. Thanks to the help, I feel no shame. Which is why, for me, this isn't an act of bravery. I'm stating something about me and I am not ashamed.)

So, please let me make this very clear:

Whether you are male or female, it was not your fault. (Seriously, I have had too many male friends who were just wrecked by having been the object of sexual violence. It might be rarer to happen to a male, but it's just as legitimate and no more their fault when it does.)

Whether they were male or female, it was not your fault. (Yes, even if you are a male and the person who took the actions was a female. Or if you're a female and another female pressed you, not just some big male. It is still not your fault.)

Whether you were sober or under the influence of drink or drugs, it was not your fault.

No matter what you were wearing, it was not your fault.

No matter if you'd previously been sexually involved with them, they are wrong and it was not your fault.

If you said "no" initially and were then pressured into letting things happen, it was not your fault. (Or if you were too scared to say "no" and were just frozen and silent when it happened.)

If you were wearing nothing and walking through a dark alley in the "wrong" neighbourhood, whilst not the wisest choice, it's still not your fault. Someone else still chose to do what they did and they bear the blame.

You don't have to have had a certain amount of things happen or have a story that seems as harrowing as someone else's story to justify how horrible you feel. (For instance, if you got molested, your feelings are no less legitimate than those of someone who got raped. If it happened once, your feelings are no less legitimate than someone to whom things have happened more than once.)

If, as happens in trauma, your brain can't seem to keep the story straight but something happened, you are still, legitimately a victim.

If you did not willingly and happily consent, it wasn't okay. It isn't your fault. The shame is not yours. They are the ones who should feel shame. And you don't have to let them get away with it, you don't have to be quiet.

But, if you don't feel safe speaking up, it's still their fault. I'm not under any delusion that speaking up is easy to do. I'd just like to ask you to at least find some kind of safe stranger or anonymous help line to talk to...You don't have to keep feeling horrible. I don't want you, no matter who you are--even if you're someone who's been horrible to me, to carry these feelings and this shame. This isn't your shame. This is their shame. And it's also the sort of quiet shame that creeps up on us because of the way things about sexual violence are communicated in most cultures.

Here's a nice little chart I got from the Huffington Post to help you decide whether your experience was "valid."

And if you're reading this and you think that any sort of non-consensual sexual activity is okay...YOU ARE WRONG. If the person you want said, "no," that means NO. It doesn't mean "please pressure me" or "please get me drunk" or "please wait until I'm passed out." If you are following someone around, if you are shouting out at women on the street, if you are doing anything for which the object of your attention has expressed anything but enthusiastic consent...YOU ARE WRONG.

If your friends do those things and you don't call them out (unless you're afraid of physical harm, in which case...why are you friends?), you are allowing rape culture to continue. Studies have shown that this lets your friends (or co-workers or drunk bloke beside you at the bar) think that you feel and act like them, which causes them to believe it's acceptable. So, as in other spheres, your silence is like consent.

It's not a comfortable or pleasant topic. Even those committing these wrong acts don't like to talk about this topic because, unless their moral compass is entirely non-existent, something in them knows they're doing wrong...which causes them to get uncomfortable and defensive and lash out.

And if you're thinking, Yes, Amber, everyone knows this, well...clearly not everyone knows it and not everyone is taking action on it, are they? Or we wouldn't have to keep making posts, having conversations, and so forth. Listen, I'll make you a promise: if this sort of horrible thing stops, I'll not write about it again (except maybe from an historical perspective to talk about how we accomplished such a great thing).

Honestly, I'd be happy to write that historical perspective. Until I can, I hope all those who've been victimised will get the sort of help that lets them feel as healed as I do. Stay safe, and try to leave the shame where it belongs.