Amber Bird | Blog

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

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This is a topic that merited two places on the list, but is probably best handled in one post.

To start with, some of you would probably like some definitions. Let’s start with a comic from the geeky and nerdy, depending on the day, xkcd. What those of you unfamiliar with the comic ought to know is that the alt text (when you mouseover a picture, that’s the text that might pop up and is traditionally used as a way to describe the graphic to those with visual limitations) is often part of the punchline. Which is why I’ll be noting the punchline (the alt text) for you.

Alt Text: “The definitions I grew up with were that a geek is someone unusually into something (so you could have computer geeks, baseball geeks, theater geeks, etc) and nerds are (often awkward) science, math, or computer geeks. But definitions vary.”

If you’d like something with more maths or even just more words, this blog post might make you happy. It begins offering these definitions:

In my mind, “geek” and “nerd” are related, but capture different dimensions of an intense dedication to a subject:

• geek – An enthusiast of a particular topic or field. Geeks are “collection” oriented, gathering facts and mementos related to their subject of interest. They are obsessed with the newest, coolest, trendiest things that their subject has to offer.
• nerd – A studious intellectual, although again of a particular topic or field. Nerds are “achievement” oriented, and focus their efforts on acquiring knowledge and skill over trivia and memorabilia.

As you can see, the two people’s definitions are similar but not exactly the same. And the line between geek and nerd can get fuzzy. For me, I’d probably say it’s something like geeks are motivated by love of a thing or topic (which might lead to wanting knowledge about it but isn’t the same as being motivated by love of knowledge), whilst nerds are motivated by love of knowledge (and, in my head, that’s generally knowledge about academic or technical topics—whereas geeks can be about pop cultural things—and particularly even the dry bits). For instance, let’s take two people who are into space. If the person’s main skew is looking at beautiful photos and that scratches their itch, I’d call them a geek. If their thirsty brain wants to collect data and terms and they thrive on dry and technical bits, I’d call them a nerd. (I’d say I used to be equally both a nerd and geek for space, but I’m now mainly a geek for it.) In general, I think you’d need to be a nerd for something in order to be a scientist or something on that level for whatever the topic is.

Again, that’s just how I see it.

If you don’t get the difference, it’s okay.  You can probably stick with me for the rest anyway. With one more note: you can be both a nerd and a geek. I hope it’s obvious by reading those definitions that neither excludes the other. And, yes, I’m quite pleased to have worn both labels. And, no, I’m not interested in arguing with you if you don’t agree with how the labels are defined. You just rock the ones that you believe apply to you and know that nothing I write is meant to take away from that.

When I was a smart kid at school, it was clear that “nerd” was a pejorative to most people. It seems like, even today, this is one anyone but nerds kind of thinks isn’t a compliment. And even the nerds know this isn’t usually meant as a compliment. But, to my mind, “nerd” means smart and focused on topics that have improved and can continue to improve our place as humans. I’m pretty sure that most scientists will agree that they are nerds. Especially when they see that I deliver that label with a loving smile. As some examples… I happily pin that label on the me who devoured mathematics (I asked for extra puzzles to take home and do for fun) or every book in the library on mythology or who fell in love with coding at the tender age of 8.

Geeks, on the other hand, have seen their reputations improve over the last few years. Now, technically, that has had as much to do with nerds as with geeks (if you buy into the same definitions that I do). We became a more tech-oriented society, with even grandparents online and even the boys from school who hassled me for being a geek playing video games. In fact, it is so clearly the age of the geek that the term has ceased to be used only in nerdy geek circles. It’s not just scifi lovers or computer programmers calling themselves geeks; it’s also now being used in phrases like “sports geek” or “cooking geek” or “any other sort of thing you might love a wholewholewhole lot geek.” Whilst I’ve worked on not having Too Much Stuff and, therefore, don’t have an impressive memento collection, I’ve got the love for quite a list of things, most of which fall into the scifi realms. Remember that year I re-watched all of Star Trek in what would have been chronological order in that universe? Oh, or the year I re-watched all 50 years of Doctor Who and its spinoffs (yes, even all of the K9 spinoff…that’s love…). Or the days given regularly to Star Wars or Lord of the Rings marathons? Y’know, just as an example…

But, all that said, I’m not going to fuss too much if you don’t know the difference, because even geeks and nerds don’t use those terms in the ways I might. And I’m not at all worried. It’s just two different ways of saying that there’s stuff I love. And I refused to be ashamed of loving things (or of being smart, which is usually rolled in with the nerd bit).

Instead of fighting about definitions, tell me the stuff for which you’re a geek or a nerd! Because why focus on the hate when we can wallow in the love? Yay!

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy).

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

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This is the only edit I’ve made to the list since I initially posted it. (And I just decided to do it 8 April, 2015, which is when I wrote the first draft of this.) When I first posted the Not Ashamed list on Facebook, and again when I posted it as a web page at the start of this series, my amazingstrongamazonwarrior and awesome herself friend Anne sent me a comment that she thought my list should also include “awesome.” Both times, I noted that it didn’t fit because the list was specifically about labels that could be or could have been applied to me that people thought I ought to be ashamed of. And who would ever suggest someone feel ashamed of being awesome?

But then, in a lot of different ways the week leading up to writing this, I was reminded that, in fact, this label too could be included on the list. Oh, humans…

In a different post, I’ll talk about my self esteem, which is one side of this label. Because, in fact, I don’t disagree with Anne. I do rather consider myself awesome. Maybe not everyone’s cup of tea, and certainly a strong cup of tea. But, by my tastes and measures, awesome. Today, I want to talk about why I’m here to declare that I am awesome and that I am not ashamed of that.

I want to further clarify that my only experiences and observations have come as a biological female in English-speaking Western cultures. I haven’t seen it in other contexts, but that doesn’t mean this doesn’t apply to biological males or to people in other cultures and countries. Though I really hope it doesn’t….

To be clear, I’m not talking here about bragging or about otherwise making it clear that you think your awesome traits make you better than other people (where “better” means “of greater intrinsic value,” not “more capable in a particular way,” because it is just a fact that not everyone is the same amount of good at everything as everyone else). That’s not something I’m condoning. I’m a big believer that we are all of equal and great intrinsic worth.

Here’s a little choose your own adventure with which most females will be familiar and that demonstrates the sort of situation about which I’m writing.

Someone approaches a female to offer her a compliment (this someone can be male or female, a stranger or a friend). It might be about her brawn, her brains, her beauty, her talents, her skills, or any other thing about her that might be praiseworthy. At this point, she has a few options for response, but most of those options lead to the same result.

If she wants to stay within acceptable social behaviours, she will do one of the following:

• Deny the truth of the compliment.
• Look abashed and avoid responding.
• Look uncomfortable as she thanks the person.
• Look uncomfortable, thank the person, and then rush to tell the compliment-giver how they are better than her.

The compliment-giver will feel quite pleased with themselves for having given a compliment to someone who didn’t know they were good. They will ensure the female that she is indeed that. And both parties will endeavour to move the conversation onto a different topic.

As a middle road, the female might smile and say something like, “Thanks! You are also possessed of some specific praiseworthy trait!” And then the original compliment-giver can smile and thank them and they can try to find a new topic stat.

On the other side of things, the female might do something like:

• Smile and say, “Thanks!” and then move on to a next topic without complimenting the compliment-giver in return.
• Smile and say, “Thanks!” and then go on to talk about how they manage to accomplish the good trait or what they are creating with the good trait.
• Smile and say, “Thanks! I kind of like me too,” and then move on to a next topic without complimenting the compliment-giver in return.

Now, the severity of response to those pleasant responses varies. And, please note, none of those responses includes vanity or hating on others. These are just people who are aware of their good traits and not pretending otherwise, not acting ashamed to be caught having a good trait.

And how, in my experience, does the compliment-giver often respond? Well, here are things I have seen or experienced multiple times in those situations:

• The compliment giver looks confused, then annoyed, and then changes the topic and pretty much avoids saying anything nice after that.
• The compliment-giver looks offended and accuses the female of being vain or stuck up.
• The compliment-giver tells the female they weren’t serious with the compliment and/or hurls insults at her, sometimes really foul ones. (Yes, seriously. For example, a guy told me I was gorgeous. I said, “Thanks! I kind of like me too!” and he then changed to a nasty tone and sneered as he said, and I quote, “F*ck off, you fat, ugly b*tch.” Yes, seriously. And that’s happened multiple times. Even sometimes when my only reply was a chipper, “Thanks.”)

So, in my experience and the experience of many women I know (I didn’t poll them all), the only safe replies to a compliment are to deny it, imply you’re not comfortable being good, or reply with an equal compliment. Never, ever should we just accept the compliment or, worse, agree with it.

(In a similar vein, in a recent post, The Bloggess noted that “I often see an apology that’s added with the happy or proud announcements – as if we’re embarrassed to admit good things have happened to us or that we’ve accomplished something or that we’re proud of ourselves or our family.” Ugh. Exactly. Same sort of issue.)

I have theories about the roots of this issue.

Some of this, even for those not religious, is from deep societal/cultural roots in religions that condemn pride. And, honestly, I’m not a fan of pride. But people get so paranoid about accidentally being or being seen as prideful that they end up with this sort of behaviour I’ve just been writing about. We are supposed to be so afraid of pride that we lie to ourselves and others (and God, if that’s your motivation for denying your awesomeness) and deny the good traits or at least try to ignore them instead of being grateful for this goodness in us.

Some of this, for females, is rooted in the gender norming that tells girls they have to be nice, that everyone has to be equal, that nobody should even seem to be above anyone else. Because that’s not nice. So, anyone who sticks their head up by being praiseworthy in a way that cannot be equally and precisely applied to every other person who might witness the praise is breaking that rule. But denying that there are different ways to be awesome or different degrees of awesome is dishonest and broken.

Some of this is coming from self-esteem issues. We are used to females having those, so that’s the role we are expecting them to play. A confident female is off the script. And maybe she isn’t grateful enough for our compliment, not as grateful as she would be if she didn’t like herself, so she is depriving us of some joy by not having strong enough gratitude.

Self-esteem issues can lead to another reason for this behaviour. Some people address their self-esteem issues by keeping others down. This type gets offended if you see your awesomeness because they wonder if it means you notice their lack of awesomeness. They feel like your acknowledgement demeans them further. With every bit of empathy, if you are that sort of low-self-esteem-haver, I want to promise you that you aren’t helping anyone by hating people who don’t hate themselves and that you also have good traits that, someday, you’ll wish you could acknowledge without worrying someone will make you feel bad for liking yourself.

Sometimes the issue comes up because the compliment-giver is better at the thing than the female being complimented. As if this disparity makes the praise untrue instead of making the compliment-giver more of a qualified source of compliments. ?) (If someone who is an off-the-charts-incredible musician, for instance, compliments you on your musical talent, the proper response is not to deny your skill in the face of their greater skill. When you do that, you are devaluing that portion of skill in them as well. You thank them, you accept that compliment, and then you feel free—without saying “but” or “you’re better” to compliment them.)

To me, all of those seem like really bad reasons for the sort of bad behaviour they lead to.

So, yeah, many times, I have had it implied or flat out demonstrated that I should not acknowledge my awesomeness. That I should be ashamed of it, or at least ashamed to admit it. But I am not ashamed. Not at all. I’m giddy at the good traits I have and grateful to have been born with them or to have had the opportunities to develop them. And, in acknowledging my awesomeness, I am not in any way saying you are crap. “I am awesome” means, simply, that I am awesome. Anything else you hear in there is, as another friend would say, a story about you. And I hope you keep at the story until you reach the point where you can also see and acknowledge that you are awesome.

Be awesome, lift others, and be not ashamed of every bit of awesome you are. Not ashamed!

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy).

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

(Trigger warning: sexual violence)

Before I say the things that keep crowding my brain, causing me to write a topic out of order again (and there’s a second topic close behind, so I guarantee we’ll continue to be out of order), there are a few things I wanted to make clear.

1. In my list of labels, I called this “victimised by a sexual predator.” I chose that phrase very carefully to put the blame where it belongs and to make it clear that I don’t think of myself, in general, as a victim. Yes, in this context, I was the victim of the act, but I am not a victim. I’m a strong, capable person who has had some crap things happen to them.
2. I won’t be describing anything about what happened. And, no matter who you are, I’m not interested in talking about it. I’ve gotten professional help. I’m okay. There’s no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn’t have done anything. Please, don’t beat yourself up, don’t wonder, don’t ask.)
3. Terms! Let’s make sure those are definite. I’m just going to paste some definitions here. I’m grabbing them from Wikipedia, because, in this case, they’re a good starting point.
   1. Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.
   2. Sexual violence is any sexual act or attempt to obtain a sexual act by violence or coercion, unwanted sexual comments or advances, acts to traffic a person or acts directed against a person’s sexuality, regardless of the relationship to the victim. It occurs in times of peace and armed conflict situations, is widespread and is considered to be one of the most traumatic, pervasive, and most common human rights violations.

Even though what happened to me falls under the narrower umbrella of sexual assault, what I’m going to say here is applicable, in my opinion, to all sexual violence.

I have, more than once, been in a room with people who quietly and timidly “confessed” they’d been the victim of sexual violence. I’ve seen them carry shame (and I carried it for a while for my own case) that wasn’t theirs to carry. I’ve seen how the shame and the unaddressed trauma from what happened has had long-reaching, negative impacts for years and years. I’ve seen how that shame is so heavy that those who speak up are considered brave.

And, yes, if you “confess” that you’ve been a victim, that is brave. But! “Confess” carries some connotations that only deepen the sense that you have a reason to carry shame. And I hate that for you. I don’t want you to carry shame, because, and this is important, that shame belongs to the person(s) who victimised you. And, that’s the main thing I want to communicate here. (That and how great it was for me to get help. Thanks to the help, I feel no shame. Which is why, for me, this isn’t an act of bravery. I’m stating something about me and I am not ashamed.)

So, please let me make this very clear:

Whether you are male or female, it was not your fault. (Seriously, I have had too many male friends who were just wrecked by having been the object of sexual violence. It might be rarer to happen to a male, but it’s just as legitimate and no more their fault when it does.)

Whether they were male or female, it was not your fault. (Yes, even if you are a male and the person who took the actions was a female. Or if you’re a female and another female pressed you, not just some big male. It is still not your fault.)

Whether you were sober or under the influence of drink or drugs, it was not your fault.

No matter what you were wearing, it was not your fault.

No matter if you’d previously been sexually involved with them, they are wrong and it was not your fault.

If you said “no” initially and were then pressured into letting things happen, it was not your fault. (Or if you were too scared to say “no” and were just frozen and silent when it happened.)

If you were wearing nothing and walking through a dark alley in the “wrong” neighbourhood, whilst not the wisest choice, it’s still not your fault. Someone else still chose to do what they did and they bear the blame.

You don’t have to have had a certain amount of things happen or have a story that seems as harrowing as someone else’s story to justify how horrible you feel. (For instance, if you got molested, your feelings are no less legitimate than those of someone who got raped. If it happened once, your feelings are no less legitimate than someone to whom things have happened more than once.)

If, as happens in trauma, your brain can’t seem to keep the story straight but something happened, you are still, legitimately a victim.

If you did not willingly and happily consent, it wasn’t okay. It isn’t your fault. The shame is not yours. They are the ones who should feel shame. And you don’t have to let them get away with it, you don’t have to be quiet.

But, if you don’t feel safe speaking up, it’s still their fault. I’m not under any delusion that speaking up is easy to do. I’d just like to ask you to at least find some kind of safe stranger or anonymous help line to talk to…You don’t have to keep feeling horrible. I don’t want you, no matter who you are—even if you’re someone who’s been horrible to me, to carry these feelings and this shame. This isn’t your shame. This is their shame. And it’s also the sort of quiet shame that creeps up on us because of the way things about sexual violence are communicated in most cultures.

Here’s a nice little chart I got from the Huffington Post to help you decide whether your experience was “valid.”

And if you’re reading this and you think that any sort of non-consensual sexual activity is okay…YOU ARE WRONG. If the person you want said, “no,” that means NO. It doesn’t mean “please pressure me” or “please get me drunk” or “please wait until I’m passed out.” If you are following someone around, if you are shouting out at women on the street, if you are doing anything for which the object of your attention has expressed anything but enthusiastic consent…YOU ARE WRONG.

If your friends do those things and you don’t call them out (unless you’re afraid of physical harm, in which case…why are you friends?), you are allowing rape culture to continue. Studies have shown that this lets your friends (or co-workers or drunk bloke beside you at the bar) think that you feel and act like them, which causes them to believe it’s acceptable. So, as in other spheres, your silence is like consent.

It’s not a comfortable or pleasant topic. Even those committing these wrong acts don’t like to talk about this topic because, unless their moral compass is entirely non-existent, something in them knows they’re doing wrong…which causes them to get uncomfortable and defensive and lash out.

And if you’re thinking, Yes, Amber, everyone knows this, well…clearly not everyone knows it and not everyone is taking action on it, are they? Or we wouldn’t have to keep making posts, having conversations, and so forth. Listen, I’ll make you a promise: if this sort of horrible thing stops, I’ll not write about it again (except maybe from an historical perspective to talk about how we accomplished such a great thing).

Honestly, I’d be happy to write that historical perspective. Until I can, I hope all those who’ve been victimised will get the sort of help that lets them feel as healed as I do. Stay safe, and try to leave the shame where it belongs.

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy)

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

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I know that, last week, I said I’d be back to writing in the listed order. But if you’re not paying me to go in order and my brain has Things to Say Now, I’m just going to go with that…

In the sincerest and least baggage-having way, I consider myself both pro-choice and pro-life.

I feel like there are a couple things I want to say right up front, before I get to discussing how this particular topic applies to me.

1. If you’re pro-choice and already disgusted with me because I say I’m that and pro-life, do me a favour and read on. Because…
2. If you’re “pro-life,” I’m warning you right now that you’re probably going to be mad at me in just a moment. I know I won’t change your stance, so feel free to go read something else instead. (That includes the family and friends I know disagree…I love you and there’s little for you to gain now that #1 up there has already made you Very Disappointed in me.)

In fact, let’s do what we did last time and define terms. Pretty sure that will clear this all up, describe how it applies to me, and piss off those I suspect will hate me any moment now.

Pro-choice: I am in favour of women having the option to choose an abortion. In fact, I am in favour of them being able to make that choice without the man who impregnated them consenting or without the doctor’s morals being consulted. (Yes, I’ve read/heard the arguments against and I still feel this way. If you think that this is an unstudied/uninformed opinion or one driven by popular opinion, you clearly don’t know me or have forgotten what you know of me.)

Pro-life: I am in favour of human life and have very few circumstances in which I would take advantage of the option to have an abortion. But! I believe that most people who claim to be pro-life are more accurately labelled “anti-abortion.” Because, putting aside the baggage and the connotations it’s picked up, “pro-life” means being in favour of and supporting human life. Not just trying to discourage abortions. No, if you are actually pro-life, you need to advocate for a good life for that fetus even after it’s born. Even if it’s not a white human, a western human, a straight or cis human, a rich human, a fully able-bodied human, or whatever other traits you consider Right for humans.

To be truly pro-life, I think you’ve got to be a little less enthusiastic about the death penalty, even if your knee-jerk reaction to horrible crimes is that they deserve to suffer.

I think you’ve got to be in favour of prisons/criminal systems that support reform and healing, rather than humiliation and increasing the brokenness of those who’ve made bad choices.

I think you’ve got to be in favour of social programs that support the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of those people you were so adamant must be born.

And I think you’ve got to do that without exceptions for people who don’t share your skin colour, your social class, your sexual orientation, your biological sex, your gender, your politics, and so forth.

I think you’ve also got to acknowledge that the woman carrying that baby is a human life. A woman who, with no exceptions, you have decided must carry the baby to term. You’ve decided this with no knowledge of her situation. You’ve decided to forfeit any thought of her life because, like everyone I’ve met in the anti-abortion crowd (and maybe there are exceptions, but I’ve never met or heard from them), her life ceased to be the one you were actively and actually in favour of the instant she was born. (Before you deny it, look at your attitudes towards social programs that support those with needs, look at your fervour for death and war, look at your hatred for those who aren’t straight, white, middle-class or richer men and for those with different spiritual and political beliefs…)

I’m not arguing, mind you, for the morality of any woman’s specific decision. I’m not in a position to do that. Right now, I’m just telling you why I don’t think most people who call themselves “pro-life” are actually that. And I’m letting you know, then, what I mean when I say that I am pro-life.

I am in favour of a quality life for all humans, even the ones unlike me. Even the ones who have hurt me or made horrible decisions. And, aside from some moments of knee-jerk rage, I don’t look at another life and hope that it is wretched or that it is ended. I want it saved; I want it bettered.

So, please stop using an incorrect label for yourselves, you so-called “pro-life” (but actually “anti-abortion”) crowd. And also stop assuming that pro-choice means I’m out actively campaigning for every pregnant woman to get an abortion. I’m in favour of people having a choice. If I were in favour of all babies being aborted, I’d use another term.

Are there circumstances where I definitely would have or would heartily support someone choosing abortion? There are (including, but not limited to, any situation where the sex wasn’t consensual). And I don’t believe it’s my place to make the choice for someone else or even to judge them if they make the choice for reasons that wouldn’t cause me to make that choice.

Nor do I believe that laws that put the job of making that moral judgement in the hands of doctors are a good idea. We already have anecdotal proof that there are doctors whose personal morality will lead them to deny abortions to victims of rape or to those whose lives are endangered by carrying a baby to term. There are laws made by men who think that you can get pregnant by swallowing sperm (or at least ask questions that make it sound like they believe the throat is a thoroughfare to the uterus…). This doesn’t exactly make me feel like these laws are made or administered by people who are in a good position to make the right choice for me or any other woman.

I am pro-choice.

And, in a more genuine way than it has come to be used, I am pro-life.

And, whilst I am a bit nervous to be vocal about this based on what I know possible repercussions of being vocal are, I am not ashamed.

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy)