Amber Bird | Blog

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

For you completionists, you might be interested in charting my ridiculous relationship with food as shown in my posts on anorexia, being a vegetarian, or imposing assorted food restrictions on myself for what I deemed health reasons.

Last week’s food restriction-related post included some general notes about my relationship with food. It might also be a somewhat interesting contrast to today’s post. You see, after all that health-related food restricting, I now have only a couple things I restrict (corn syrup and linoleic acid), and even those are just when I’m doing my own shopping. Actually, there are times when what my body tells me it Needs includes a little of that and I go ahead and just eat it (like that time I ate only Lucky Charms cereal for a week, because my body was Very Clear about that, which means some vegetable oil—one of the main ways many of us take in linoleic acid).

I wasn’t thriving on all that careful, clean eating I was doing. In fact, I was finding that some long-term issues I’d had were getting worse, even stuff that, per the persuasive web sites and my own ideas about what must surely be Right, ought to have been improving. Now, here is where my cool nutritional therapist comes up again.

Before I started working with her, I assumed that she was going to insist I eat broiled, skinless chicken breasts and brown rice with a side of kale, that I ditch all red meat and bread and so forth. Fortunately, she’s the sort of sensible person who believes that all bodies are unique and, therefore, have unique needs. So, sure, some of what she started encouraging was the clean eating…But then she sent me an email one day, and she started by saying that she knew I’d be dubious, that she was hesitant but that it was something we hadn’t tried, so…

By not cutting dairy, she stopped me making this joke daily

I read the stories first, the blog posts from people who’d tried this same thing and had success. And they seemed to have quite a lot of the same concerns I had.

When I found that my knee-jerk distrust of anything but so-called clean eating had eased a little, I followed the stories through to http://180degreehealth.com. And I was kind of horrified at what the person wanted me to do. The site has been a bit reorganised, but, at least then, the blog posts gave you all this information for free, so at least I didn’t suspect he just wanted my money. And I was desperate.

So I buried a lifetime of beliefs and I went to town on sugars, simple carbs, saturated fats (fortunately, paleo had already gotten me okay with that), and salt (okay, I’ve always gone to town on salt…mmmm…). That wasn’t the whole of it, but you can hunt down this guy’s essays on your own if you get curious (cos I know that even people who know me tend to have a horrified reaction like my own initial reaction when I tell them about the change). And, after I saw a number of positive health changes (plus, as verified by my doctor, I grew an inch taller), I shifted to mindful eating (which is basically what step 2 of this guy’s approach is). I only do a mediocre job at it…but I do pretty well at the part where I let my body tell me what it wants and I eat it, no shame.

If I don’t fight the cravings but try to feed them immediately, and, if I pay attention as I do that, I usually only need a bite or two (but no worries if I need more) and the craving then buggers off. And stays away for much longer than usual. (My life used to feature daily, serious cravings.)

Favourite weapon for fighting cravings…

It took a while. After a lifetime of teaching myself that I couldn’t eat certain things or classes of things, I had to convince myself that I meant it. Had to prove to my body and brain that it really could have what it needed, what it asked for. The week of Lucky Charms appears to have been the last bit of that. (I was walking through Costco and passed the massive boxes of Lucky Charms and my body said, “NEED.” And I asked if it was sure, and it was. So I put a box in my cart and strolled through the rest of my shopping with a big grin on my face, feeling very cheeky.) I still start most days with a sweet, usually something from the UK or Europe or homemade (so generally no vegetable oils or corn syrup). That chocolate or biscuit appears to be enough to remind my body and brain that we still do what we need, and then I don’t generally have sweet cravings the rest the day.

And the positive health effects have remained. And I didn’t have to buy a new wardrobe. But! I should note that there’s a genetic component here (one of my grandfathers was always rail thin and very warm and lived mainly on coffee and sweets) and that this is what my body wants and needs. Every body, in the long run, will have unique needs. And those needs will almost certainly change over time.

Right now, I have no allergies and my body thrives on foods I used to avoid or look down on. Which means, now, I eat sugar and meat and simple carbs and dairy and whatever else my body wants.

Which also means that all kinds of clean eaters look on me with pity, disdain. If they know I used to eat like them, it’s almost certainly more that they feel I should be very ashamed. After all, I obviously know better and have wilfully lost my way. And all kinds of vegetarians and vegans now just see me as another murderer. Even the ones who hear about how my doctor who was a vegetarian asked me to eat me still kind of see me as damaged goods. (I know not all of you folks in the clean or non-meat camps are that way, but plenty are, at least to me.)

People used to look at me with respect. What a clean eater! What discipline! What healthy choices! And now, I have fallen from grace. Shame on me…

But, like I said last week: I have to make the choices that I feel are me doing the right thing for my health. And, whilst I did actually feel ashamed at first…Now that I see how my body thrives (and my brain and my emotional health) and now that I’ve had time to really think about how silly (in my opinion) it is to eat a way that others admire to the detriment of my own health…I am so, so not ashamed.

Not even if my food choices disappoint the cat

That doesn’t mean I think everyone should just fall face first into all the junk food they can find. (I promise that I still eat fruits and vegetables and fish and so forth.) I believe that we need to eat the food that is right for us, which may leave room for treats. (It better…in my body, it sure does…because chocolate and pizza and crisps and chips and…yeah…I’m hungry now…) I also believe that introducing shame into matters of eating is detrimental. I think I’ve even read studies that showed that. So, let’s stop with the shame.

I’m going to go eat a massive bowl of pasta (chicken and bacon borsetti with loads of parmesan and romano and salt). Maybe you can google those studies about how shame is detrimental to health or you can evaluate your own eating attitudes (I seriously recommend stuff like mindful eating and normal eating). Or just go have a meal of your own. Don’t forget dessert. (Shame never, ever counts as dessert. Or a side. And it makes a horrid sauce. Shame doesn’t belong at the table, lovely.)

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy).

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

Last week, I posted about having been vegetarian. And there is a reason I’m actually covering food habits in three posts. (Third one coming up next week.) Actually, two reasons. The first being that there are different “shames” and motivations and such with each post. The second being that food is really, really important in my world.

Technically, there are four food posts, because there’s that post on anorexia. See, one of the things tangled up with and coming out of my anorexia was this (very wrong) idea that there’s a Perfect Way To Eat, that I had to figure out The One Right Way. And I have spent ridiculous amounts of time reading and researching and thinking and planning and blah blah blah.

And, when I’m not thinking about food that way, I’m thinking about preparing and eating food. I’m considering what would taste good, I’m fondly recalling food I previously ate, I’m trying to think how to not fill up my daily gratitude posts on social media (been doing them a couple years) with just food food food. And don’t even get me started on how susceptible to suggestion I am. I’d consider it a mercy if people on TV and in films weren’t allowed to eat food I like…

When I first left home and started to think about how I would know I was “making it,” my whole measurement scheme for that was food-based. It went like this:

• Eating daily.
• Eating multiple times per day.
• Eating three meals per day and maybe a snack.
• Eating what I want, not just what I can afford, monthly. (At this point, I assume that at least a couple meals a year can be eaten at restaurants, not just home cooked…cos home cooked is cheaper. But not all the monthly meals I want would be eaten out; some would just involve not-cheap ingredients.)
• Eating what I want weekly.
• Eating what I want daily.
• Eating what I want for every meal.

As I lived on my own, there were other markers of “making it,” most of which continued to be food-based (food quality, organic animal products, etc). And, yes, I’m entirely serious. If I had to be honest, I’d say that, in the ever-noisy arena of my brain, at least one part of me is always thinking about food.

This cat lives in my brain

So, there’s the second reason that there are three or four of these label-related posts that are about food. Now, the first…

As I said last week, being vegetarian started as an exercise in self-control and very quickly became about living up to what I felt was ethically right for me. There wasn’t any self-righteousness there. Well, very little. But, this week’s lot of food-based labels…They include paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free, absolutely no sugar, and a few others.

These were things that I tried because, for varying reasons, I thought they were the healthier option for my body. I thought that they were The One Right Way. I’ll let the “and a few others” stand at that, but the other four fall into two distinct groups.

I was dairy-free and gluten-free because I had some health issues and, at different times, I thought that I was lactose intolerant or that I might have wheat intolerance or celiac. Dairy-free came back into play later when I had a friend who actually was lactose intolerant. That was the least lame of the two to live. Fortunately, there are plenty of dairy substitutes and ways to get things that are almost-right and are, on their own merit, sometimes quite tasty. The gluten-free…That was miserable. Even with the help of a partner who was quite capable in the kitchen, I never got satisfactory substitutes for foods I adored and missed.

For others, both of these made me a pain. Not because I tried to be…Honestly, all it took was a polite, “Excuse me, can you tell me if this has dairy in it?” and I was suddenly just the worst person ever. I wasn’t asking for substitutions or anything like that…And these are things that, for those with actual issues (not just people trying to be trendy, trying to use dietary restrictions as a way to lose weight, using this as an excuse to avoid foods they dislike), are serious health concerns. Sometimes massively serious. I’m lucky; I don’t have celiac. I have friends who do, though, and I feel like both the people who lie about that (for reasons noted in the last parenthetical) and the people who are difficult about those with celiac disease trying not to end up with massive physical pain and mental issues…Yeah, both those types of people are jerks and can get in the sea. And you can bet, given I legitimately thought I had health issues that could be solved by it and that I was super polite about trying to avoid dairy and gluten, I’m not at all ashamed for having been dairy-free or gluten-free. (But I’m really glad that I didn’t need to stick with either of those dietary restrictions.)

The second group of the food restriction labels is the paleo and going absolutely off sugar. These are things that were entirely about what I thought was The One Right Way to eat. And I got caught up in this idea of Eating Clean. And I kind of struggled with judging other people who didn’t see the Obvious Genius of these ways of eating.

This turtle feels me…

I swear I tried to be restrained about it, keep my mouth closed. Especially given that people were sufficiently nasty about me choosing those paths as well. But if you ever felt judged or pressured by me when I was doing any of that, I’m truly sorry for that bit of it. I could, and still can, get pretty caught up in whatever it is I think is the current Proper Food Philosophy for me. With this particular set, I was being cheered on by assorted zealous internet sources and, to some extent—though she certainly deserves no blame, by a concerned nutritional therapist.

At the root of all this, of both groups of food restrictions, was a desire to treat my body The Right Way. And I tried to be polite about it, tried to keep the brunt of the efforts on me. So, again, I’m so sorry if I made you feel judged or went on a bit about it. But I’m definitely not ashamed. We all have to eat, and hopefully we are trying to do that in a way that contributes to our highest quality of life.

But more on that next week…For now, I’m hungry…

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy).

If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.

I was vegetarian for about a decade. It started as a way to make a point about my self-control, but, within only a few weeks, it became something that research had convinced me was the right choice for me in terms of ethics and health and the global good.

During that time, briefly, there was another vegetarian in one of my social groups. I hadn’t understood people’s wariness about socialising with a vegetarian until someone told me that the way she, that other vegetarian, behaved was what they were used to from vegetarians. I had strong beliefs and opinions, as I do on many things, but I didn’t expect others to live their lives the way I lived mine. Other Vegetarian, though…she would loudly exclaim in disgust if anyone was preparing or eating meat, and she wouldn’t stop until she was out of their presence. Whole meals with mates were prepared and consumed with her as a chorus of revulsion, whilst I quietly enjoyed time with my mates and whatever non-meat thing I was putting in my mouth.

Whilst I was vegetarian, every single non-vegetarian in my life—including people who were almost complete strangers—made sure to let me know that they thought I was foolish or wrong or stupid. Some even, I later learned, snuck meat into meals they made that we shared. (For the record, that is a breach of trust and a reprehensible thing to do. Not just for the trust issue, but also because many people who haven’t eaten meat in a while have severe stomach distress when they do eat meat again. Don’t do this. If you do this, you aren’t a true friend or truly loving family. You are just a twat. Even if you are well intentioned.) And every shared meal was a struggle…Was I sure that being vegetarian meant no chicken broth? Fish weren’t really meat, were they? Just a little meat is okay, right? Even asking a server at a restaurant whether the rice was cooked with water or meat broth got me unreliable answers or huge sighs, as if I were the worst for politely asking.

Aside from Other Vegetarian, there were a few friends who, for brief moments, tried out vegetarianism. But, mostly, I was doing it solo. It wasn’t peer pressure…not even peer support.

True story: I went to prom with a guy who asked if I had any opinions on a restaurant for dinner. I said the one thing I needed him to remember was that I was vegetarian. He chose a steak house and complained when all I ordered was salad. (It was a big salad. I had to ask them to hold the bacon. It was the only non-meat thing—aside from sides—on the menu.)

Now, aside from the part of my vegetarian tenure that overlapped with the anorexia (and, let me tell you, people make it really easy to use vegetarianism as a reason not to eat anything they prepare), I tried to eat healthily. As my pennies allowed, I tried out meat substitutes. Even when completely skint, I loved all sorts of beans and cheeses and non-meat protein. In spite of that, around the time I was considering going full-on vegan, it became undeniable that there was something wrong with my health.

Before all of you haters smugly nod and post comments about how unhealthy vegetarianism is, I want to point out that there are many, many healthy vegetarians and vegans in the world. That’s not just something I’ve heard; I’ve known them myself. I’ve seen their rosy glow and their high energy. Even the doctor and the yoga instructor in the next paragraph were (probably still are) vegetarians. So, y’know, get in the sea with your smugness.

So, I went to my doctor. Her conclusion, her recommendation…She told me that some people actually need animal protein and she was sure I was one of those. She, my doctor who was a vegetarian, asked me to consider eating meat. To at least give it a try and see if it helped. I took this advice and my conflicted emotions and had a conversation with a yoga instructor I knew.

A lot of serious yoga practitioners tend to be vegetarian because of the principle of ahimsa, which basically means “do no harm.” (How does my spellcheck know “ahimsa”? Weird…) Ahimsa was in line with reasons I had stayed vegetarian. But, as she wisely pointed out…an intertwined part of the true spirit of yoga is to be where you are in a pose. If you don’t already naturally get into a “perfect” form of a pose, you can push yourself a little, but you shouldn’t force yourself. To do so might cause injury, harm. I hadn’t thought about it, but here was ahimsa applied in every yoga session. And, if I truly cared about myself (which I did by this point), how was slowly killing myself via vegetarianism less a form of self harm than cutting or starving?

I took some time to really consider it, and I decided to give meat a try. Here’s the thing…The whole time I was vegetarian, I had vivid dreams constantly of medium rare red meat. And when I finally ate meat again, on purpose this time, I didn’t get sick. (Just like I didn’t get sick when friends snuck meat into meals. Man, I’m glad I didn’t get sick, but I kind of wish I had so that I might have caught them and they could have felt really bad about making me sick.) And some of my health issues improved dramatically. And it didn’t take long for me to get over my guilt, so it’s not like I weep quietly these days with every burger. Unless maybe it’s weeping for joy over how tasty it is…Sorry, vege friends.

But a lot of people didn’t know I’d ceased being vegetarian. Most people didn’t know for a long while, because the last thing I needed to top off all their harassment was their smugness that I’d been forced to give in. I decided to tackle my own guilt and to get my health less crappy before I had to deal with that. I’d even leave the office for lunch, every lunch, so that nobody there would see that the lunch I’d packed included meat. Work was miserable enough without adding their smugness. Go ahead and have a sad little mental image of me, sat in my car in all sorts of weather, furtively chowing down on a sandwich. (I’d like to say I was paranoid about how people would react. I was not. Very few people did not take at least a moment to be smugly pleased or give me an “I told you so” over it.)

Now, history aside, I’ve got a couple of things that have stuck with me from the vegetarian times. Things I wouldn’t have expected.

I learned that, if you make a big, negative deal over someone’s choices, they won’t come to you when they change their mind. That might seem obvious, but it sure seems like a lot of people forget that. Think someone is making a mistake? Are you close friends or a healthily loving family member or someone they came to for advice that’s relevant to their choice? If so, you get to politely express concern once. Or maybe once each time they end up in the hospital for their poor choices. If you’re not one of those three types of people, there’s a good chance you’re out of line. And if you take every opportunity to hammer at them or poke at them about that choice, it doesn’t matter who you are; it’s not going to help move them more in line with your opinion.

I also got a little less judgemental when I was eating meat again. It’s years later, but I always feel a compulsion to share my story with vegetarians I meet. I want them to know that I’m on their side, that I’m not going to hassle them, that I’m empathetic to their probable plight (vis-à-vis the harassment of non-vege kids). But also…

This will come up again next week, but I’ll say it now anyway. See, even those people who are most vocal about not judging others are happy to be just as vocal about people’s food choices. Not just the stereotypical obnoxious vegan (I know non-obnoxious ones, so no insult intended, vegans) or vegetarian types…not just the meat eaters who feel free to harass the vege kids…but anybody who has beliefs about how to eat…”How can she eat that?” Well, maybe she tried eating your way and she got sick.

I won’t lie; I enjoy meat these days. Though I still try to remember to ask vege friends if they mind me ordering meat when we go out together. I try to be respectful. Also, I don’t want to accidentally learn that I’m eating with someone who plans to shame me with every bite. Ugh.

And, whilst I avoid food waste in general, I try to make extra sure not to waste meat. Some animal died so that I could have the meat my body appears to need. Again, I try to be respectful.

I was vegetarian and I’m glad I was. Not ashamed. And now, much to the pleasure of this odd body of mine, I’m not. And I’m not ashamed of that either. Just disappointed that this flesh of mine is so picky. Why can’t I just thrive on cheese pizza, crisps, chips, chocolate, and Vimto? Stupid, picky flesh of mine…

Cross-posted to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it’s all tidy).