As observant readers know, I don’t talk about the meaning behind the lyrics I write. I’ve been thinking lately about explaining myself, explaining why I don’t explain myself, via blog. I was almost derailed, though, as I read the introduction to a book of lyrics by one of my favourite artists (Brian Molko of Placebo). Brian doesn’t even like to have his lyrics written out for people to read and, whilst I don’t share that particular dislike, the reasons he provided made sense. Suddenly, I felt like I’d already put so much out there just by providing lyrics…But here I am, explaining myself. Oddly, the thing that has me finally writing up what I hope will be a comprehensive guide to why I don’t like to explain what/whom lyrics are about is the decision to actually do a little explaining as part of the release of my band’s Each to Each EP. No, I know, it doesn’t make sense. Welcome to the chaos of my brain!
Now, without further preface:
Why I Don’t Like To Explain My Lyrics
(A list I scribbled whilst on the tube)
I can’t be the only person who loved a song and found meaning in it and then read or heard the band talking about what they meant by it and was completely put off the song or confused…and it ceased to be meaningful to me. Sometimes, for the sake of being fed by art, it’s better we don’t understand what the artist intended.
Lyrics ought to stand on their own, in the context of a song, without need for explanation. Writing them without intent to explain them keeps me from taking sloppy shortcuts. Because…
In an ideal world, my songs are all over the place and people are hearing them without explanation. And…
People are finding their own connection to the lyrics, their own meaning. Mine matters and there’s something to be said for authorial intent, but who am I to deny you the meaning you find? People are, I believe, most likely to find a meaning that speaks to their understanding and their context or to find, in those things that they connect with that are outside their context, a way to open their minds and hearts.
Sometimes, the feelings that are captured in lyrics are fleeting. They might last only as long as it takes me to write. They might even be mostly worked out but just a pushy ghost whispering words in my heart by the time I have a moment to write. If I was hurt by you or doubted you for one brief moment, there’s no reason to have you feel hurt or upset every time you hear a song that was written in that moment.
On a related note…
Lyrics, like other art forms, sometimes dramatise a feeling or an experience. We’re trying to help evoke a massive emotion in just a few minutes; we don’t have years of building up the emotional context. (Or maybe I realised the best words to get the emotion and the rhyme/metre is to use a word that’s a bit more than things strictly, literally were. Ah, artistic license…)
This leads to two reasons I don’t want to tell you the story behind a song:
Yes, it’s an authentic emotion I’m describing, but it doesn’t mean that every moment of whatever we were doing was this massively horrible or amazing. I don’t want anyone taking it the wrong way.
I don’t want people who care about me to know that something is really that massively big because they would worry. They don’t need to worry. Better they assume it’s just dramatised. (I promise, if I need help, I’ll reach out.)
Whilst the feelings or my side of a story are mine to share, I don’t necessarily want to cast aspersions on or cause discomfort in the other person(s) involved. Especially if I was being a bit dramatic. Even if I wasn’t, I’m not actually hateful and I hope that even those who’ve done the worst to me have gone on to become better people and have happy lives. (I’ve actually had more than one person who quite sincerely apologised to me, years after the fact, when they realised how horrid they’d been.)
I don’t want to feed anyone’s egos. I don’t want to make famous (or infamous) people who did me ache. The only way in which I let them linger in my life is by turning them into something good (lyrics, poems, characters in stories, art!). If the worst they did was break my heart by not returning a feeling, my emotions are still not here for their egos. They need to go find some other girl or boy to help them feel that, someone to whom they return the feeling so that it’s a healthy situation. (And, whilst some people think they know which songs are about them, I’ve had some of my closest friends guess incorrectly about a song’s inspiration. So, if someone tells you I wrote it about them, they probably don’t know what they’re talking about…)
Often, I’ve used the song to process through and be mostly done with an emotion or a dark moment. If we’re performing, I’m willing to put myself back in that emotion to give you a good show (I am a fan of emotional authenticity). Outside that context, however, I want to be done with the feeling. (Why dwell on an old hurt when life delivers new hurts?) And some things will creep back in far too easily if I tell you what the song was about. I try to have the same policy with emotional self harm as I do with physical, which is to say I avoid it these days.
The meanings of the songs evolve, even for me. You know how sometimes you hear a song and it means one thing, and then you live a little more and the song evolves to mean something else? There are a few of my songs where that’s what’s happened. (Bruise Me, for instance…and I swear I intend to write about that in the tidbit I’m going to post about Bruise Me in the days after the album release, so read that for a concrete example.)
Having told you all that, and feeling pretty sure I’ve covered all my reasons (nine is a good number), I’m going to go write some tidbits about the songs on the album…give you a little peek at what’s behind some of the songs.
Of course, whilst I prefer not to talk about the meanings, I’m always interested in hearing what the songs mean to someone else. Even if, as occasionally happens, what someone hears in them is so far from my truth when I wrote them that I get confused. It gives me a chance to discover nuances and consider other perspectives. So do keep finding meaning. For me, if people are connecting and finding meaning, the songs are doing what they’re meant to do, and that means my life has been worth living…worth singing about.
I’ve come to a healthy decision, I think, in terms of image. And I am pretty sure that a number of people I know might benefit from the journey and the decision it led to. Because all of us have an image, a way that others perceive and think of us based on what they see of us, whether or not we are deliberate about cultivating it. So, I’m going to lay out the stones that make up this path and see if I can walk you down it and show you my destination. First, some stones…
Stone One… I have always known (growing up on Bowie) that image is an important aspect of an artist. I have often been taught the importance of at least appearing to be a good person, the right person for a job, and that sort of thing. Like everyone, I’ve benefited from the added enjoyment of an artist whose awesome art is only made more interesting by their cool image. I also understand why, even if I hate it, image matters for non-artists. We humans tell each other not to judge books by their covers…And we can work on that, but judging books by covers is a large part of the history of how we survived. I won’t argue it’s always a good thing, because it’s more complex than that. This stone is more about acknowledging that we live in a world where image is part of the equation and that there are times I’ve gotten some enjoyment from others’ images. Whether or not we like it, we all have images.
Also, when you’re on this side of the microphone or keyboard, there’s always someone pushing an image on you or asking if you’ve taken your image into account. It’s part of the business of art, something you have to deal with if you want your art to see the light of day. I do. I want that very much. But that’s where my love of authenticity strongly asserts itself. I know that image is important, even if I’d rather not have to spare it a thought. I want to have my music and my words in all of your heads, so I have to at least stop and assess this issue.
Stone Two… The other night, I stayed up way too late talking with a friend as I tried to sort out a small bio. She did the smart thing and looked at what other bios in my peer group for this might look like and suggested changes to help mine mesh better. We sent emails back and forth, replying multiple times to each other before we’d read replies to our replies, explaining why changes were a good idea or felt bad, and finally ended up with the original idea I’d sent her….just the order of a couple sentences switched rather than a massive re-write.
Stone Three… Longer term than that, some essays on women on the autism spectrum and the way that they use mirroring to seem “normal†have had me thinking about the extent to which we all do mirroring as part of fitting into our societies. Because there are plenty of things that indicate that I might be on the spectrum, and because I am a massive fan of authenticity, this all brought up some concern. I spent a bit quietly freaking out, wondering how much of me was really me. (I take self-knowledge and authenticity Very Seriously.)
Stone Four… Two days ago, I stumbled across this essay on the issue of identity and the ideal self in the film Velvet Goldmine. I suspect you can pull out some useful tidbits to bring on our journey even if you’ve not seen the film, so I’ll wait here whilst you go have a read. (Really, it’s an important part of how I got to my destination, so it’s worth me waiting here all alone whilst you read…)
As most of you know, my passion is making music. I pour everything into my band, and let any leftover drops fall into my efforts at writing poetry and fiction. This means that the dreaded bio is a regular part of my life. If I’m lucky, someone else writes something that is close enough to good and true that I can just sigh and let it be. However, there are still bios that are mine to write. In an age where our art can go well beyond just those who already know us, the bio is part of how we communicate our image.
This is me, standing on Stone One. Admitting this isn’t just about tricking someone into giving me an office job or letting me hang out with them. This is about my life’s passion. So let’s revisit Stone Two.
Day jobs require massive work on my image.
I’d written a short bio that I knew was true to who and how I am, but I also knew there was at least one potential problem. In it, I said something I often say about me, that I’m a scifi girl. I know that at least one of the editors for the project that needed this bio hates when adult females call themselves girls (or that’s been my impression of her feeling). I understand her objection (or I think I do) and totally acknowledge the validity of it.
Important note: I want to be very clear that the editor in question is someone I both like and respect. And even if I’ve misunderstood her reasons, I’m sure that her reasons are reasonable and intelligent. Nothing I write here ought to be seen as a criticism of or attack on her or those who share her opinion (including other friends of mine).
What I think I understand as her issue with adult females referring to themselves as girls is that, so often, women who call themselves girls are doing it in a way that diminishes their power and capability. This is a true and troubling thing. On the other hand, I tend to call everyone girls and boys. In my head, when I refer to myself as a girl, it’s because “woman†just sounds so serious and so much more grown up than I tend to be, “lady†either sounds goofy in the wrong way or like the object of the term is better behaved than I tend to be, and most other terms for females are either sterile (like “femaleâ€) or the sort of word you are best just using in jest (like “broadâ€). But a girl…she’s a female who’s not necessarily a grown up, even if she’s an adult. She might be serious, but she’s just as inclined to silliness. There’s a light-heartedness in that that I have had to fight hard to include in myself.
Me. Fighting hard.
(Update 2014-09-22: Just had a great chat with the editor in question and wanted to clarify on her behalf and with her permission. Especially since I totally agree. So, in her own words: My thing re: “girl” for adult women is really just about the UNEXAMINED use. Like automatically referring to “the men” and “the girls” when everyone’s an adult. But examined usage and self-identification as a girl, no matter your age, is not a thing I have a problem with! I guess it’s mostly a self-identification vs. cultural infantilization things; those are two very difference usages.)
So, there was this bio where I’d called myself a scifi girl…but I didn’t want to annoy the awesome editor who’d given my work a chance (and loved it!)….It was a three sentence bio, and every. single. sentence. got analysed to death that night. Why did I feel it was an essential part of describing who I was? Why was expressing it in those words important to me? (Was it important to me?)
Clearly important to me.
And, in case you think it’s just that I’m too much a navel-gazer…People who read that bio may very well find it influencing their view of me and of the work it accompanies. This could very well lead to more or fewer readers. It could also very well lead to editors loving me (and giving me more chances) or hating me and not wanting to publish things written by the likes of me. I felt like the weight of my writing career was on that tiny bio. Ugh!
Okay, on to Stone Three. I think that a lot of us spend at least a portion of our lives trying to figure out who we are. And many of us hope that we have figured out who we actually are. Even if we let our choices be influenced by friends and family, we might quietly keep a mental list of what our actual preferences are (and label it Guilty Pleasures or Secret Dreams). Even if we get adept at mirroring (and, to remind you, this is a normal thing that all humans do; it’s part of how, for instance, small children figure out how to behave and how you figured out what was okay to wear to your last job, to that party, to a funeral, etc), one hopes that we’d still be aware of when we’re doing that so that we know who we really are or want to be. For people who, on some level, sense that they are quite different and that mirroring is a very important part of how they survive in the world, would it start to become so habitual that they stopped really noticing when they weren’t being themselves? And, if they noticed that they’d mirrored themselves into being someone that wasn’t authentically them, would they be able to break the mirrors?
As I’ve mentioned, self-knowledge and authenticity are Very Important to me. As I wrote that bio, I was writing sentences that are about the part of me that I feel quite sure is really, truly me. Using words that feel true to my perception of that really, truly me. Which is why, in the end, I decided to risk it. To use those words and at least know that any judgement of me was based on authentic me (even if it might be a misunderstood idea of authentic me). Better to be hated for who I am than loved—or hated—for who I’m not. No need to smash mirrors there. Even if left entirely alone…nobody to see me or judge me….the things in that bio weren’t me mirroring. At this point, I thought I had reached my destination….
Except that my brain was still turning this over for the life lessons, for the ways I could extend this to the other parts of who I am and what I do. Especially because I make rock music, and image definitely figures into that. Let’s not kid ourselves. (Even Hendrix chose his bassist based entirely on liking the look of the guy. Unless I’ve misunderstood, Noel Redding had never played bass before.) So, even sitting there and telling myself I’d reached my destination, I knew I hadn’t. There was a bigger place down the path…
Fortunately, Stone Four fell in front of me; I didn’t have to go looking for it. Love it when that happens.
Just in case you didn’t actually read the essay (in which case, shame on you!), here’s the important bit from that for me: The rockstar in the film was being what he thought he needed to be to create the image that would sell records. He was unhappy and destined for failure. The reporter in the film moved closer to true fulfilment as he realised and lived closer to his true self (which was something like the image that the rockstar was trying to pretend to be). That same basic persona was heaven for one and hell for the other.
That this is the persona in question doesn’t hurt my interest
I stood on Stone Four a few hours (to be fair, I went about my day but let it rest in the back of my head…I don’t have the luxury of just standing around and pondering for hours). I didn’t initially realise that this was a stone on the path. And then…one of those epiphanies that feels kind of obvious…so, if this is obvious to you, be kind. I’m sure I’ve out-figured you somewhere…ha!
Destination/Epiphany/Decision: The best image to work on is one built on your idea of who your idealised self is. (This does not apply if you’re pursuing goals in life that don’t actually reflect your true heart. Also, if that’s the case, even my non-ideal self is sad for you and wishes you happier destinations. Anyway….)
This is something most of us already kind of do. We set New Year’s Resolutions based on who that best person is we think we can be. We show our best business or people-person face when we go to a job interview. We put on our best selves when we meet new people (and when it’s a false best self, we watch relationships crumble…so be extra careful with this one). Even those who try not to do this probably have certain bad habits or less-awesome behaviours that you’ll never see unless you live with them.
Me? I have patience issues….
Here’s the thing….If you’re working on being your idealised self, you’re working on behaving the way you want to behave. Even if this doesn’t make people crazy about you the way you’d like, you’ll be loved—or hated—for who you truly are. You’ll have built desired behaviours and characteristics, because a lot of who we are is built on the habit of how we behave or think about ourselves. You win. And if it just so happens that your idealised self is the image that also speaks to others in a way that moves your art or cause ahead or that gains you awesome friends, at least the effort you’re putting into upholding your image (to keep that movement or those people) will also be effort put into being the person you most want to be. Again, you win. (Also, if you decide that you were wrong about who you thought your best self is, you got there authentically and you can then change your efforts—authentically—towards that new idea of who your ideal self is.)
I’m a massive geek. Part of that, since I was 3 years old, has been role playing games. You make a character sheet that describes who your character is and then you sit at a table or run around a room and you pretend to be that person. For me, one of the main tactics in deciding the concept for my character (that kernel of an idea about who she is that I’d then flesh out into someone I could pretend to be as I slew dragons or vampires or whatever the game master threw my way) has been choosing a part of who I am or who I wish I were and turning it up a little bit. Often, I’d choose one trait or one issue and build around that. But the characters that were the most enjoyable to play for a long time, regardless of other players and the game masters, were those that were built to be an amplified form of whatever my idealised version of self was at the time. This was also kind of cool in that I got to learn some lessons about which traits I thought I wanted but really didn’t enjoy having. Some pieces of the picture I had of my ideal self have survived since I was 3 years old; some have disappeared and been replaced.
Lasting part of ideal self: no restraint with sparkly things on my face
(Note: I’ve always been what has seemed authentically me to me. But, with this new place I’ve reached, I’ve now given myself permission in advance to never pretend I’m something other than the person I am or am trying to be. The issue of image is laid to rest. It’s now an issue of “who do I think the best me is?â€)
So whilst I will never be as perfect at some (many?) things as I’d like, this is how I play the game now. Except that we’re not talking about a game. We’re talking about the thing that finally motivates me to throw myself entirely into trying to be my idealised self. Because I look at the life I want…I see that door I want to kick down, to shine out the best of who I am in song and in word, and I realise that the best way to shine out that best is to try to be my idealised self. She’s not perfect; she won’t please or appeal to everyone. But, when you love me, you’ll love actual me. And, if you hate me, you’ll hate actual me (and never have to second guess yourself…it’s okay…go find another someone to give the time to…it’s truly a shinier path for us all).
And, when I kick that door down, I won’t wear myself out trying to maintain an image that I hate. It’s a freedom it seems many people, in and out of the public eye, would bask in. Me? I’m going to shine and I’m going to bask. Join me?
I’ve had a potentially controversial epiphany this weekend. And, whilst wisdom might dictate that I keep it to myself, I’m sharing just in case it’s as good for you as it’s been for me. But I do want to be clear that I’m not judging those who don’t feel like this is the right answer for them. I respect those who’ve found paths and forged ahead in ways I’ve not managed and I wish them (you) nothing but goodness.
As I often do, and as many musicians and other artists often do, I was pondering how to quit my day job entirely and live on my art. (Not because I’m lazy; anyone who knows the work I put into Varnish will tell you that it’s a full-time job on its own. Add in side projects of various types, and I put in more hours than most non-artists I know.) I was feeling extra eager to sort out how to do this because another friend has recently quit her day job, and all her income is now from things related to her creative abilities. And, just to make it seem more necessary, some of my less active projects have suddenly gotten more active, demanding more time and energy.
Plus, I hear they’re looking for a new Doctor…
The way that this pondering goes is that I think of everyone I know, whether in person or online, who doesn’t have a ‘normal’ job and who seems to be making it just on their creative merits. Then, I think of all the things they’re doing to make ends meet, and I try to figure out which of those things I might also be able to do. Finally, I recognise that most of those endeavours have an element of luck to them so I might still take years to sort it out.
Right now, some of you are thinking that, really, I ought to just quit my job, because burning that bridge will force me to work hard and relieve me of the burdens that my job puts on my time and energy. In a world where I’m the only one who depends on my income, where I can just live in my car if need be, that’s an option I would consider. I’m willing to make myself sacrifice for what I believe in and love, but I’m afraid that I can’t make my loved ones suffer any more than they already do for my art. (I’m not actually joking. Being involved to any degree with someone who’s serious about their art has its costs and difficulties.) Plus, it’s not like I’m slacking on my efforts to move ahead, lazily watching things go by on that un-burnt bridge…
This time, however, the pieces of my pondering came together in a different way. At least for me, here’s what I found:
1a. One point of quitting the day job is to have a schedule that is more conducive to creativity.
1b. The current project I’m on, with the exception of a few days a month, is mainly something I can do on my own schedule as long as I finish the things I’m supposed to finish and put in the right number of hours. Stay up late to write or play? Yep, I can generally do that.
2a. Another point of quitting the day job is to have more time for creativity.
2b. Most of the people I’m watching are still having to spend as many hours on things that aren’t their actual art as they might on a day job.
3a. Yet another point seems to be keeping one’s energies focused on creative pursuits.
3b. Quite a bit of what others seem to be doing isn’t actually working on their main projects (their bands, the paintings that speak to their soul, etc), but it seems to be working on things that use their talents with more of an emphasis on money-making. Which, for a lyricist, means that being paid to write and edit non-creative things (that’s what I do right now) seems like a parallel thing.
4a. Finally, a point of quitting the day job seems to be that doing all this will also help grow their audiences and/or build the connections that move their main projects ahead.
4b. To be fair, I might be missing things on social media, but…a lot of the people I’m watching don’t seem to be regularly having shows or producing art. They don’t appear to be getting this part. I hope I’m wrong. But, if I’m right, I’m at least as successful at this as they are, and having the day job seems to give me as many chances to meet people that I can nudge toward checking out the band, coming to shows, all that stuff that makes an artist feel like they’re succeeding.
Plus, I have (for the duration of the project) stable income and (for a little while, in a couple months) access to health care. Even if you want to be nasty about me wanting to make money with my music so I can pay bills doing what I love, you can’t hate me for generally being glad I can pay bills. So, and here’s where it gets even more controversial, whilst I would far rather just be playing music and paying bills that way, as day jobs go, I don’t hate this one. I think it’s okay. Flexible schedule, the writing I’m doing is actually one of my favourite types of non-creative writing, my boss and coworkers are good people who are easy to work with overall…
This all came together in my head and I suddenly realised that, for now, my situation isn’t actually worse than most the people I’m watching scramble to pay bills with non-day job kinds of income. When this project ends, I will be back to pondering options. And, if I were offered something else that seemed like a better fit, of course I’d take it. But, for now, I’m done trying to run away from this day job. I can stop wasting the energy and time stressing over that and figuring it out. And that feels really good. (Though, like I said at the start, I’m not judging those who are happy with other options. It’s only been a few hours since I stopped envying them.)
Don’t hate me for not hating my day job right now, okay? This is just a nice break, a chance for me to take a breath and regroup whilst paying my bills (and, yes, continuing to make music and write). Chances are good, come November, I’ll be back in the same place you are. Hurrah!
But maybe, rather than just cast aside so-called ‘normal’ jobs as bad options for artists who haven’t yet made it big, we ought to see if there are day jobs we can do that are really okay. Which is my plan. Though I will continue to confuse interviewers by replying that, in 5 years, where I hope to be is on tour with my band, not in the management roles I’m ‘supposed’ to be chasing.
One of the things about creating art is that some people see you as a role model, even if you’re not (yet) world famous. Fortunately, I think I’m an okay person, and I really do try to promote light and love and all that good stuff. But, fact is, my music doesn’t usually come from those places.
Once, in an interview, the person noted that the song they’d just played of ours was really angry, but I seemed like a sweet person. And, y’know, I think I am a sweet person generally. But no amount of sweetness and light leads to a life completely free of unpleasant (or arguably objectionable to some audiences) things. And, for me, the music is one of the main places I work that out or talk about the experiences that built me.
So, yes, there are tales of sex and drugs and violence in my songs. And I’m not writing things that are likely to come across as morality tales where I beat listeners over the head with how Things You Think Are Bad Are Bad. In fact, because I’m telling true stories, I have to acknowledge the moments in even the darkest associations that are Not Bad. I have to acknowledge that, just like you, sometimes I get really angry or depressed or I-want-to-beat-you and, for some of the time, I’m feeling really okay about that.
I’m not going to lie because you don’t like my truths. Nor am I going to not sing about things you don’t like or force myself to write the songs in ways that make them public service announcements. But I want to be very clear. And I reckon a picture makes it easier to remember and more likely to catch your eye if you’re just skimming. Ready?
It’s as simple as that. If I were glorifying the things you claim I’m glorifying, I’d be doing more than singing about them. Got it? Please keep this filed for all future accusations. Heh.
Now, I’m going to go write more objectionable songs so you can keep practising remembering that the fact I’m singing about it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m glorifying it.
Stay in school, be good to your people, and don’t go tying anyone to chairs just cos I wrote a song where someone is tied to my chair…
And, because I hate to disappoint a pretty girl…and because it seems a completely obvious topic…Here’s a post about David Bowie‘s album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars and its influence on my life. Of course, as I’ve contemplated this post the last month, new bits have wiggled into my brain, so I’m sure this isn’t going to be an exhaustive list. In fact, I can think of specific moments and interactions that aren’t covered here, but that aren’t for sharing, in which my early exposure to this album are factors.
First, I want to note that I am serious when I say that you need to listen to this album. If you like rock music at all, it deserves a chance. If you liked the film Velvet Goldmine, this is the Bowie that inspired that film (as much as Bowie reportedly hated the film because, in my opinion, it told the fairy tale of what glam was and not the truth of what his actual story was). In fact, if you want to go and listen now (or listen whilst you read–as I’m listening whilst I type), that would be great. This blog post will be here for you when you’re ready…
Those of you who are diligent readers and followers know that I’ve mentioned the album more than once. In addition to assorted tweets, I can find it in this Varnish vlog:
It’s also been mentioned in posts on this blog, here and here.
In case you don’t read those, I have to give credit where it’s due. This album, like much of the great rock from the ’70s and earlier, entered my ears thanks to my dad. He might not want to take the credit for all the things the album did to me and for me, but I’m going to call it one of his great contributions to my life.
(Side note: It’s really hard to write this whilst listening to the album cos I keep having to stop to sing along.)
Not to minimise the influence it had on me musically, but let’s sort of sweep through that bit. I never doubted this album rocked. This wasn’t soft rock or something to make soccer mums feel like they were edgy whilst actually being sanitised, stock tropes. It rocked. It was the reason that I understood that you could be a proper rockstar with electric guitars and keys. That you could be a proper rockstar with acoustic guitars. And there could be orchestral instruments, not just guitar/bass/drums and still be proper rock music. (Hey, I was young, so this was big to me…And since it was my touchstone, whilst he wasn’t the first to do it, this was the album that really drove it home and that came to mind as I formed my thoughts about what could be proper rock music.) You could even throw in some slower songs and still have an album that was serious rock music.
This album pretty much blew my mind in a way that cemented Bowie as my favourite musician. (As a girl who’s grown up to have few favourite anythings, that’s a big deal.) And, because of that, it meant that I was open to all Bowie. Which meant that, unlike many others I could have chosen as favourites, I was into someone who did a range of musical styles. If you listen through his catalog, if you look at those with whom he has toured and worked, you’re going to see range. Sure, I was going to get range just growing up with the influences of those in my family. But, let’s be honest, there are times in your life when the rockstars have more influence on your tastes than your parents or siblings…
And, if I’m being really honest, when I pictured myself as a rockstar, even from a young age, it was Ziggy Stardust era David Bowie that was my template for so long. When I need a go-to album, whether I’m trying to decide what to listen to or I need to be motivated in general or reminded of the big dream that hatched in me when I was wee, this is the one.
Huh…Okay, that was a bit longer than I’d thought…But, I’ll leave that as proof that there’s more to this than even I realised. Ha!
In addition to the musical influence, here are some other things (and I’m going to write little paragraphs and ignore transitional sentences cos we all know I get too verbose sometimes…) in the order they showed up in my brainstorm of things this album impacted, not necessarily in order of importance.
This album (and things it caused further down this list) were basically like a gateway drug to my other musical favourites, Manic Street Preachers and Placebo. This matters to me, because those two bands also have had a huge impact on my life. Some of this is due to the next cluster of things. (Oh, and I feel it bears noting that I found Bauhaus and all the music in genres connected to them because they covered Ziggy Stardust…) But, yes, the way that Richey James Edwards and Nicky Wire and Brian Molko looked helped turn my eyes and ears toward their bands…I was seriously relieved when the music was good. (Because a pretty face isn’t enough…I can’t enjoy looking at someone pretty if their music makes me want to puncture my eardrums.)
My love of boys in makeup surely must have been implanted by the look of Ziggy (and other incarnations of Bowie). I did get that it wasn’t the societal norm, but Ziggy Stardust made it clear to me that it was well cool and quite alright. Which may be why…
There is no doubt that this contributed to the alternate model of what an attractive man is that guides my taste in boys. Forget tanned, muscular, super masculine boys. There are a few I’ve thought were fit, but I’ll take my boys tall and thin and pretty. (So, yes, I’m sure it can also be blamed for some poor choices I made in boys, but those mainly led to songs so I’m going to call it good.)
And, of course, that leads to the topics of bisexuality and androgyny. For those of you who’ve looked at pictures of or paid attention to Bowie, you can see how a girl who fancied Bowie might see those things are not entirely abnormal. Thanks to this, I didn’t grow up with a negative attitude about people who weren’t straight (thank goodness…that likely saved me loads of personal pain…). And, yes, widened my ideas about what was appropriate for boys and girls. It wasn’t just looks. That was part of it, but I couldn’t see the androgyny and not also think about what society was telling me were appropriate ‘gender’ roles or activities for a girl or boy. Again, something for which I’m super grateful.
As a non-standard girlie, it won’t be a surprise to you that there was a point where I wanted to cast off girl things and just be boyish. But, due to my love of glam (by which I mean the pretty picture this album painted in my head of what it was to be glam), even boyish Amber fancied makeup and sparkly things. To be honest, part of that period of my life was set off by some unhealthiness, and I truly credit not losing track of myself entirely to the fact that I could play boy in my head and still put on the makeup and glitter I loved (but might otherwise have considered too girlie). And, on a completely shallow level, I’d have to say that my life has been prettier, shinier, sparklier for the influence of this album. For the dream of glam.
As a girl who doesn’t like to have to choose between good things, I also have a fondness for things that combine multiple tastes. If you’re not familiar with this album, the Ziggy Stardust persona was an alien. And a number of the songs on the album are about aliens and such. Those who’ve paid attention know that, in addition to being a rockstar, I’m a scifi girl. A geek. And, look, an album that was scifi and rock! I know I wasn’t born yet, but since I believe time isn’t linear, I’m going to just claim that Bowie wrote this for me. Ha! (If you want to check out another thing I love that’s scifi and rock, please watch the 1984 film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. Seriously. And, yes, I do like the pretty boy in there…yum!)
Ah. Okay. This one is on the verge of too private, but I’m going to say this anyway. There have been some dark moments in my life where the song Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide helped pull me through. Yep. That’s all I want to say about that. But, in case you’re somewhere ugly, ‘you’re not alone’.
Not quite as heavy, and keeping it brief again cos I don’t feel a need to list his troubles…This album and the things I read about Bowie as I got interested taught me that rockstars can be imperfect humans. I didn’t have some delusion that I was worshipping a perfect being. In fact, the imperfections and struggles I saw both let me like him more and kept me from worship. (I don’t judge people who have some kind of rockstar worship thing; I just think that it has the potential to lead to some negative situations and a girl like me was better off without.) When I talk about how seeing that people with similar demons had made it to musical fame helped me, Bowie was the first. I could be flawed and have my dreams. My flaws and troubles could lead to art.
Back to less heavy stuff. This album and Bowie in general taught me that, yes, the music is important, but there’s more to rock than that. I learned watching clips of Bowie that some performance, some theatre, can add to the experience for the fans. What that involves can (and should) vary, as appropriate. But the reality is that music isn’t just music. It can be, but shows where someone is really performing the songs, not just standing there and aiming for technical perfection? Way more engaging for me. When you see me perform, it’s all coming from a genuine place. But the reason I decided to just let that happen instead of holding it in and standing nicely at the mic was first set off by the vision Bowie planted in my head of what it would look like to be a rockstar. If I perform the songs, that is more genuine to the emotions of the songs and to what goes on in me when I write as well. So, it’s a win for us all!
Related to that, Bowie was how I first clearly understood that rock isn’t just music. That rockstars are also their images. I don’t want to have a fight with those of you who will argue the ideal that music ought to be purely loved for being music. And, yes, I’ve seen people who were great musicians but crummy at performance and image and it hurt them. And, no, I’m not sure that’s fair. But it’s the reality of our world. I feel fortunate that I ended up someone with (I think) some kind of good taste in appearance, so that I don’t feel like I’m not being me whether I’m wearing frocks or jeans. So, if rock music is part image (and more than one source has assured me that this is true, whether or not people want to admit it), I’m lucky that I have a bit of an eye for looks. I’m also grateful that, because Bowie helped me see how the looks and the music can be so effectively intertwined, it wasn’t a shock or a betrayal as I started to make music and watch music being made by others and saw that image mattered. (Again, I’m being genuine me and thanking my lucky stars that my preferred aesthetics match my music and seem to work well in general for the rockstar part of my life goals. I’m not suggesting people should be fake. Ehm…yeah…this could be a whole other post…maybe when I’m in the mood for arguments or controversy…For what it’s worth, there are people I love who so hate that image impacts musical success that I avoid the topic with them. I get it. I do.) Onward!
This may seem small to you, but is huge to me. It turns out that my beloved Varnish guitarist Jason also loves Bowie and this album. And the glam thing and songs from this album directly led to our forming a band. Not with intent to recreate Ziggy Stardust…In more roundabout ways. But they are certainly part of why, one night, I told Jason I was writing songs and he said we ought to have a band…And then there was Varnish and my dreams were finally getting a chance. And striving for those dreams in the more concrete way only possible once I went from dreaming to doing has massively, massively impacted my life. Really, it deserves to be said again: MASSIVELY. And, so, if you like the music I make or you’ve discovered me through the music or in the last few years and that’s been at all a good thing–I really hope it has–The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars has also impacted your life. Hurrah!
Finally, a few years ago, as I was pulling together this simple Halloween costume, I realised that it was a partial step toward being a Moonage Daydream. (Or a scifi lullaby, if you’re more in a Placebo mode.)
I’d love, someday, to know that my music was a massive positive influence on someone. I’d love to have one of my albums mean enough to merit a blog post that’s long (too long?) and explicates ways in which it impacted someone’s whole outlook and dreams. And, if that happens and you find your way here, make sure you’ve given this album a chance and you’ve paused a moment to thank Bowie. He might not be the only influence, but he was one of the first and biggest.
Thanks, Lady Stardust, for coming down from space with your rock ‘n’ roll message.
It’s 03:30 and I ought to be asleep. I went to bed 90 minutes ago and I don’t struggle with insomnia; however, what I do struggle with is being a night owl (trying to shift my body closer to normal human sleep times…a fruitless attempt I make now and again) whose brain activity and creativity start really turning up around 21:00 (and it’s quite loud even at its quietest) and continue until about 04:00. My new tactic is to turn on my phone and try to pour out words, to-do list items, etc, and then roll back over, hoping an info dump will let me sleep. So far, my body and brain are proving no match for my will or my tactics…But at least I’m waking up to half-written blog posts. Like this one. Wonder what I think about whilst I fall asleep? Here’s one of the things… (And, yes, I finished it once I was out of bed.)
Recently, I was on a tour bus, being hit on even though I made it clear it was a ‘no.’ To their credit, the person doing the hitting was doing that thing you’re supposed to do when hitting on someone (or when trying to get to know them): they were asking me about myself. The more they asked, the more I resisted. Finally, I said, ‘I’m just a very private person. Anything I care to share about myself is in my songs.’ (Or in blogs, apparently.) They accused me of just trying to promote myself. But that’s not the case. I really do put most my time, energy, and resources into making the music go.
Soon after, I had a conversation with one of my sisters about this, and realised that I was becoming increasingly private (instead of just staying at my past level of private, which was already a bit more than what appears to be the norm). And, as we talked about it, I had a sort of epiphany about why this was going on. I’m sharing so that, the next time you’re cornering me and trying to learn things about me that you won’t find in lyrics and blogs, you’ll understand when I start dodging. And maybe even take pity on me. Heh.
There are two reasons that I’ve identified, though there might be more lurking in my noisy brain.
The first that came to me had to do with those lyrics that are what I’m already using to expose myself. Because all my lyrics are truths, because (even if you can’t read them clearly as journal entries) they expose a lot about me, and because I am an introvert pouring so much of myself outside of me….The more I do that, the further into privacy I tend to withdraw on all other fronts. Even with friends and friendly social acquaintances. Even with topics that you can’t imagine I wouldn’t want to talk about.
To make me dig my heels in a bit deeper, there’s social networking. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against social networking on either a personal or a professional level. But, as the whole world knows, social networking means people expect to know everything. And we willingly tell the whole world the instant we eat something, see a film, fight with a partner, and on and on. We expect to share and we expect others to share with us. Somewhere in there, people’s usual levels of curiosity got switched into some sense of entitlement and obligation.
The fact is, there are some situations in which people owe each other information. Specific information. But, for the most part, most people don’t need to know almost anything about us. (Yes, I know, knowing things about each other is part of how we build relationships. I’m not going to pretend that my increasing desires for privacy are within currently normal boundaries or that my knee-jerk response when my boundaries are pressed are entirely logical and reasonable. And, yes, I share and build relationships. Anyway…) I deeply appreciate all those who are graceful when I (try to gracefully) deflect their questions. Because sometimes complete strangers don’t even know my name before they’re asking loads of questions. (No joke. A herd of boys recently did that without introducing themselves or asking my name.) Because sometimes, even after I tell someone that they’ve asked a question I’m not comfortable talking about (and, yes, these include things that ‘normal’ people would consider uncomfortable), they press me. I have conversations (sometimes deep ones), post blogs, update the Facebook status sometimes, and tweet when I want to (sometimes even about topics you might expect people not to be open about), but you might guess that the entitlement attitude doesn’t work well for me. But…
Like I said, I’m putting all sorts of personal stuff into those lyrics of mine. And when I get up on stage to sing them for you, when it looks like I’m having an emotional experience delivering those songs, it’s deeply, personally, sincerely me. I’m giving you more than I’d give even most friends and family if they wanted to have a straight-forward conversation. But, hey, get my music career big enough to get me in NME or Rolling Stone and maybe I’ll open up some more…At least, until that happens, you’ll know it’s not personal when I decline to answer your curiosity 😉
It turns out, I go a bit crazy sometimes. Shocking…I know.
Right now, I’m thinking about the kind of crazy I go when it’s been too long since I’ve played a show.
No. Seriously. Cray-cray, as the kids say…
I go to see other people play shows and I have this envy that creeps up the back of my legs.
I dance to other people’s music and wish it were mine.
I want to be on the other side of the mics and set lists.
I want to be the one sharing things that would be considered inappropriate to share publicly if they weren’t in lyrics. (Though maybe our social media-saturated lives have removed all those barriers…)
I want to be the one that maybe, just maybe, is making people Feel and making them want to dance.
And practising with the band won’t scratch the itch.
And loudly singing along with any music I know, in the living room or the car or the club, won’t scratch the itch.
And karaoke just won’t scratch the itch.
Oh, it’s a partial scratching. You get up and you sing and people cheer.
But it’s like scratching right by the itch…An itch I can’t quite reach that way.
Life right now is full of really important questions about how to stave off homelessness for this little household, how to eat in a way that will make for the happiest and healthiest me (and will banish some Issues that have been lingering), and other stuff that is “more important.” But what I think about, if I let my mind go where it wants, is music.
I look at pics from past gigs. I ponder set lists. I wonder when the newest song will be ready to add into the set list. And I ache for a whole, functioning, awesome band to do that with.
I don’t know who you are, but you are out there. Maybe I already know you and/or you already know about Varnish. Maybe you (sadly) don’t even know I exist yet. Either way, I’m chomping at the bit. Let’s move forward. Let’s charge ahead! You, me, us, music. Now. Please.
And if you, reader, aren’t that “you” above, what is it you’re charging toward?
xxx
(Yeesh, speaking of crazy…the weekend was a bit short on sleep and I was, as those who interacted with me will happily attest, stupid tired. Stupid. Tired. The “stupid” part includes not clicking to publish this Saturday. I think all the not gigging has impacted my memory and ability to function….haha)
Almost as soon as I was done writing the last entry, I realised I’d forgotten something. Well, not as soon. More like “a few hours later whilst I was in the shower and it felt too late to update and it was already a long post anyway.” What I forgot was so important that I immediately sat down (well, first I finished my shower, cos I’m sensible that way) and wrote this next post. (Though I’ve edited it a wee bit since.)
The question last time was: How can you support the artists you know?
And the one really basic thing I forgot to say, because I assumed it went without saying, is to check out their work. Listen to their music, take a look at their paintings, read their stories, and all that good stuff. Whether or not you can do this legally without spending money will vary (though I tend to think that wise artists have at least some kind of samples online for just this reason). I can’t tell you how often someone says, “I’ve known you for years and somehow never gotten around to listening to your stuff.”
I get that not all artists are good and/or to your tastes. I do. But, as the friend who does check out friends’ stuff, who has had to find ways to gracefully respond to some…well, it wasn’t stuff that I enjoyed at all…This is a case where I am definitely asking you to do as I do. How to gracefully deal with not liking it could be a whole other post, and even then there are some artists with whom there is just no answer other than adoration that will be safe. So I’m afraid I’m going to leave you hanging on this one for now…
Okay, let’s get beyond basics. Because there’s more to this. Or, rather, one more step to this.
Try again later. Didn’t love what they did in their last project? Didn’t like the previous album but there’s a new one? Maybe just haven’t taken a listen in a while? I’m here to ask you to try again. Because people can get better the longer they play. Because the sound of a band can evolve over time. Because a different project can mean a whole new flavour.
There’s no guarantee you’ll like them any more at this new milestone than you did the last time you checked them out. Maybe you’ll never like what they do. But I can tell you from experience that sometimes things change just enough. Here are three examples from real life even:
1. I was just talking to a friend about the difference in what Siouxsie Sioux did if you compare that first gig of punkrock shouting in 1977 (here’s some audio from that era) to what she did later (in 1991, for instance). She evolved as a singer and the sort of songs the band was making had expanded.
2. My mother always figured David Bowie couldn’t sing. I’m sure she heard him, cos the rest of us played his stuff, but I think she sometimes had a sort of prejudice when it came to rock singers. Then I showed her the Christmas duet he did with Bing Crosby and she changed her opinion.
Here I am catching the Bowie clue early…
3. And sticking with my mum…The story of her initial reaction to the music Varnish makes is best not told (or at least not in print…hehe). But we put in some time and we evolved and, without me asking, she took another listen. One day, out of the blue (and with timing that lets me know it wasn’t just her trying to be nice as her life was ending), she told me she’d started listening to the songs we’d posted online recently. She liked two of them. Bless, Mum. Bless. (If she were still around, I am pretty sure she’d like even more of what we’re plotting in one of my side projects.)
So, listen or look or whatever it is your friends’ art takes. If you like it, follow the suggestions in the previous post. If you don’t like it, give it a while, wait for some kind of change or milestone, and then give it another chance. Cos that’s a beautiful thing to do for us creative kids.
This one’s for the artists. (In more ways than one.)
It’s also for the people who care about the artists.
As I was thinking about what I wanted to write, I had one of those weeks where the same thing kept coming up, over and over, in different contexts. And given that this is a topic that’s important to me, I’m happy to give in and just write about it.
If you’re an artist or if you care about an artist, the question probably comes up every once in a while: how can you support that artist? (Hopefully, if you’re an artist, people are asking you this question.) I’d love to get a conversation going in the comments, but here are some answers I’ve come up with as I’ve pondered this.
First, a note to the artists: When people ask you how they can support you, it’s good to have an answer. It’s even okay to have an answer. Like anyone who works hard, it’s okay to promote yourself and to try to move ahead with what you do. Now is not the time to have no answer or to feel like you aren’t allowed to be honest. (And I’m talking to myself here, too…)
Of course, as a musician, most my answers will obviously apply to that, but I’m pretty sure you’re clever enough to sort out things that apply to other arts as well.
How can you support the artists in your life? Well, here’s one of the random things that crossed my path this week:
I think artplay is what we call hobbies…
I’m not going to dance around it, because one of my responses when I wasn’t being thoughtful about how someone could support me was, “Well, if you’ve got loads of money or music connections…Heh.” (I laughed when I said it, but definitely wasn’t joking about either.) And it’s just a fact. What we do costs money, so one of the ways you can support any artist in your life is with money. Here are a few things you can do in that regard:
Feeling flush? Most of us wouldn’t say no to a gift with the one criteria being we spend it on our art.
Alternately, if you’ve got gear or studio time or something else we might need and you’re willing to donate, that can also be helpful. (Want to support budding artists? Find a local program, like Rain City Rock Camp for Girls, and offer your gear, your skills, or your time.)
Other artists: We can talk about trade! I’m always looking for photos and flyer design (cos I’ve done all but one of the flyers on my own…). Let’s see if there are ways we can help each other out.
Because this kind of photo shoot lacks something…
Buy our stuff. Whether it’s our albums, our merchandise, or something else…Whatever we do, when you buy it, that both shows financial support and emotional (it says, “I like you and/or your art enough to buy stuff”). You can even throw in a little extra, tell us to keep the change, that sort of thing.
I once had an older friend tell me that what we were doing wasn’t really to her tastes, but she could tell we were talented. Is that how you feel? You can always give it as a gift to someone else. This also works if you do like our stuff. Heh.
Come to our shows. This is a nice little transition, because it both helps to get a little money into our pockets and helps others see that we have fans. Venues notice who brings in a crowd. Jason and I have one friend who is older (I’m guessing she’s at least in her late 60s), who doesn’t really enjoy loud music, but who shows up now and again to watch our first couple songs. Every time she shows up, I get a little grin.
So, the second broad group of suggestions has to do with boosting our signal and being counted as a fan. In addition to coming to our shows, you can:
Bring your friends to the shows with you. Give them a chance to discover us!
Other ways to help your friends discover us:
Tell your friends about us. (It can be as simple as, “Have you guys heard this band?” or you can mention us when your friends are looking for new music, as a couple examples.)
Play us when other people are around. The fact is, we are a lazy, lazy species. As easy as it is to click a link and listen to something online, sometimes that’s just too much effort. Take the link out of the equation!
Put our songs on a playlist or CD you make for a friend.
If you follow us on Facebook and/or Twitter, like and share our posts or tweets. That puts us in front of your friends and, with Facebook, increases the likelihood that we’ll be seen at all. (Curse you, Facebook algorithms!)
With that in mind, follow us on Facebook or Twitter and actually pay attention. (Studies show we are now wont to click that link that lets us follow/like a group and then never pay attention again. Yowch!)
Also in that vein, make sure you’re seeing our Facebook stuff. We posted a note about how to help us be visible in your feed in spite of the accursed algorithm.
Oh, and because I haven’t mentioned it in ages, making fan art is cool. Draw a picture, make a gif, paint a shirt, get a tattoo, make a video…As long as you remember to credit us so that the people who dig your art know who inspired you, we’ll be chuffed. We’ll make an album online to show you off even!
Wear the merch you bought from us. In public. Maybe even take pics of your pretty self sporting that stuff. It’s kind of the same as fan art…(And the more of you who are up for buying merch, the sooner we’ll have new stuff!)
Dog tags don’t care what your t-shirt size is…
Make your own or use free things we’ve made. Use our avatars, use our banners in your signature, make our quote your “what’s on your mind” for your IM or when Facebook asks about that. (We have a few variations on what’s there, so feel free to ask…Or make some changes to make the colours and/or quotes more to your liking.)
This next idea is thanks to a friend who did this for me on my birthday Wednesday: As his gift to me, he posted Varnish stuff on his Facebook. I’m going to try to remember to post things about friends’ books, art, or music on their birthdays. It made me smile and might even have gotten some new attention.
If you get pictures or videos of our shows, we’d love to have those to share and to add to our digital scrapbook. There are fans all over the place, and we can’t take pics of ourselves whilst on stage, so you help everyone feel a little more connected when you do that.
(Note: I hate to even have to say this, but I’ve watched this happen to others…If you make money off of your fan art or things I’ve mentioned in this post, you’ve likely violated copyright…If you make money off stuff to do with us and it’s just fan art–whole different story if we show up in your commercial without permission, for instance–let’s chat and work something out. Or make a fair donation to us. Something. Let’s all play fair 🙂 )
Don’t make us come for you. Adventure Penguin and Hedgehog will get you!
When we do social stuff outside shows, come hang out! Don’t assume we mean everyone else. When we post public invitations, we mean everyone. Show up. Bring a friend or come alone. Drop in just long enough to say hi or stay for some conversation. You might make a new friend, discover a new band, or at least have someone to nod at when you come to our shows.
Learn the lyrics and sing along (dancing would also be cool) at shows. As humans, we assume something is more valuable if we see others value it. Your singing and dancing helps this. It also makes me extra happy (someone just posted a note about my lyrics on a forum and I got a giddy grin). And, honestly, isn’t a show more fun when you find yourself dancing with a friend or singing the same line together? (At least that’s the case with me!)
When we say we want to make a community of fans and musicians and other artists, we’re serious! If you help build that, you are supporting us. All this stuff I’ve listed already is part of it. But you can also:
Be friendly to all our other fans.
Come out to shows for the other bands we dig.
Suggest other cool local bands to us.
And, once we hit the road, you can help us sort out good places to play and good bands to play with in your town. If you want, you can start pointing us at other bands in your area now. We know a few folks who live nowhere near here with whom we’d like to play someday.
If you’re an artist (musician or otherwise), we’d also love to see you out at social things. So far, we’ve done things where we hoped to have multiple groups represented, not just to promote Varnish.
Related, if you’ve got a site, link to the artists you dig! (I probably need to go check out our Links page…And, if you’re an artist, you probably ought to at least set yourself up with something simple others can link to…)
I’m hoping you’ll use the comments to talk about ways to apply this to or to support other kinds of artists, as well as to talk about this topic in general. I decided to put this in my blog instead of the Varnish blog so that I could feel okay about this being long (longer than planned…eep!) and because this is important to me with all my projects and all the ways I try to pursue art. Plus, I’ve got loads of talented friends, and I’m always thinking of ways to support them, whether or not I’ve got money.
Now, your turn! In addition to choosing one of the many suggestions in this post and applying it to one of the artists in your life, leave a comment!
I don’t know why, but the last few months have been heavy on the nostalgia and on regaining/rebuilding things I love from my past. Whether the nostalgia or the reconnecting started first is sort of a “chicken or egg” situation. But, much like with chickens and eggs, it doesn’t matter which came first as long as the goodness exists, right?
If you fry nostalgia and reconnecting, I will eat them too
I’m working to rebuild some faded relationships. Fortunately, none of these were fights or horrible moments. Just suddenly realising there was distance and wondering how that happened (later, I tell you the most likely reason). Even more fortunate, most of these people have been open to it. My happy heart!
I’m burrowing into music and photos that remind me of past goodness and make me feel a sort of happy pining. Like this one, in case you’d like to start making up stories:
Not too bad for 2 weeks…
I may even have found a place to go dancing! To music I like a lot! (See my post on dancing from a few months ago to understand why this is huge.) This discovery was the silver lining to a slightly grey cloud. And when the DJ played Placebo on request, the grey was consumed by the shining of the silver. Squee!
I’m even poking at gaming that doesn’t involve a computer/console again, which means building character concepts and playlists for them. And reconnecting with the people with whom I most like to do this.
The list goes on. And it seems like most items tie back to music (even if I’d have to explain why music is an important part of certain items).
Working on stuff for Varnish whilst we don’t have a bassist is, honestly, less fulfilling than when it’s a complete band of people I adore and we’re finishing songs and playing shows. So I suspect that this surge of things might be a subconscious effort on my part to make sure that my emotional nooks and crannies are filled and that music is continuing to feed me.
And here are some facts about me that seem important in the current state of affairs:
I want to make music I’m passionate about with people I’m passionate about. Settling isn’t an option (though someone is welcome to try to throw loads of money at me and change my mind…haha).
I don’t get lonely; I merely have moments when I pine for a specific person. And my best state for working out most things is solo. Add to these things that my life is full of great people..I’m never happy to have anyone I love feel forgotten, but this is how it happens. I don’t forget; I just fall into working things out and suddenly realise there’s someone I’ve neglected. So this is a public apology to those to whom this applies. I wouldn’t be an artist or rockstar if I didn’t have some social issues, right? (But, seriously, I apologise. And I’m working to balance my own optimal approach to things with the fact that the people I love ought never doubt it.) For the rest of you, this might still be something to know about me, cos it’s also part of why I don’t throw myself at every opportunity to build new friendships and go out to play. It’s not personal, I’m just socially overwhelmed apparently.
In May, I wrote a post where I talked about feelings, among other things. One conclusion in there was that I feel a lot and I feel deeply. And, if you doubt it, see how few of my posts on this blog do not have some conjugation of the word “feel” in them. And imagine what a soft-hearted, feeling sort of girlie I must be just based on this blog…I’m not thin-skinned, mind you. I’ve had enough nasty comments from people who didn’t like that I was different or unkind actions from friends’ significant others who didn’t understand that I wasn’t a threat…And poking fun, done correctly, is part of many of my friendships. But, yes, I’m a soft-hearted, feeling sort of girl. And the more I reconnect to these past bits and snuggle into the “nostalgia that isn’t sad,” the gooier this heart feels. And I like it. And I’m not wont to apologise for it. Especially when it’s positive emotions (and as long as I’m still also strong…rar!)
I even cry in public (and blur pregnant faces…you’re welcome… also, never let me wear red eye shadow on a “goodbye day” again, okay?)See, soft-hearted, feeling girl. (At least I had sunglasses on at this point…It was a long cry…)
Related, whether it’s people or music or pastimes, I love to love unabashedly. No wonder I’m a geek…And I love that I’m simmering in yesterday, stewing in the nostalgia and the regaining, cos that stuff is seriously lovelovelove.
So, this is the mushy stew that’s me right now. I am comfort food. Comfort food in glitter and eyeliner and some pretty cool boots. Yum!
When these boots die, my coolness will take a serious hit…
What makes you mushy? What pieces of goodness from your past have slipped away and could be happily, healthily reclaimed? What facts about yourself could make it easier to sort that out if people knew them?
Now, I’m going to sleep. Cos it’s nice when something I love so much is also something science says I need. Heh.
