The topic of what people owe or are owed seems to come up regularly in my life. And the last couple of months have been chock full of the topic.
I wasn’t raised with a sense of entitlement in general. I have always known that I needed to work hard and do my part to get the things I want and maintain the things that matter. And, even then, there weren’t always guarantees. Sometimes, you can work really hard and not get (keep) what you were trying to get (keep). That sucks, but it’s rarely actually unfair (unless some other human actually withholds something they promised you would earn).
In general, what I believe people are entitled to is the consequences (good or ill) of their choices and actions. That they are entitled to being treated with dignity and respect (unless they make choices that remove those rights). There are other things I believe we ought to be entitled to, but I’m pretty sure those things are even less realistic than expecting the whole dignity and respect thing.
But I’ve run across a few things that are close to home lately, and, because this is my blog, I’m going to talk about them. Even if both are potential minefields. (Hurrah! Explosions! We’ll pretend it’s an action film…)
Before I dive in, might I ask that you, should you feel inclined to respond, remember the whole dignity and respect thing? I’ve managed not to delete any comments on any of my blogs thus far, and I’m living with the magical dream that I’ll never have to. Disagreement or debate are fine (hey, I got my degree in Philosophy…I am down with a logical, civil debate), just be your better self when you choose your words. Heh.
First, the non-musical one. The one I can do without worrying about naming names. The one where I can link to someone else’s story as an example and you can decide if you’re guilty of this sort of assumption without me pointing the finger right at you. Excellent.
I’ll say right up front that there are pluses and minuses to all ways of being, that I certainly enjoy the pluses of things about me, and that I’m as wont as anyone to assert that the grass is greener on the other side when dealing with the minuses. I’m also acutely aware that, for those who think my grass is greener, talking about the minuses of the things one might consider generally favourable can seem really frustrating. People rush in to point out the pluses or reassure me that there are pluses if they even suspect my lack of complete enchantment with something I have that they want. So, to be clear, I acknowledge that there are some perks to being a pretty girl. (I also want to note that there are loads of ways to be attractive. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And what I find attractive only defines what I find attractive.) I’m glad I’m a pretty girl, but…
It ain’t all perks. And the problem is that the non-perks are about other people behaving poorly. I’ve been having multiple instances of that to deal with lately and been mostly keeping my mouth shut…And then a girl posted a blog about her experiences (most are the same as some of mine, but my own “extreme” experience is a different one…equally ugly and scary though) and I think it was my last straw. It would be great if you’d read her post (you know I really want you to cos that’s two links to the same post in one paragraph). I’m not even sure how I came across it, cos it’s not a blog I usually read. But, just in case you choose not to read it…
Basically, in her experience (and mine and others’), being a pretty girl means that there are people most days who feel that it is their right to have my attention. That, by being pretty, a girl creates a situation wherein boys are helpless slaves to their attraction and, thus, the pretty girl owes the boys whatever attention they seek. On a good day, this just means boys aggressively ignore rings on ring fingers, headphones, books, statements of unavailability or disinterest. On a bad day, they can get scary pushy. In her blog post, the scary guy tells her it’s not his fault she’s pretty. As she points out, it’s not her fault either.
Okay, yes, pretty girls could cease to take care of themselves and could choose unattractive clothing and…I mean, really? That seems a more reasonable answer than people just being polite? Just realising that, unless you are specifically paying for someone’s attention (not a date, but an escort service, for instance) or paying to see their body (like at a strip club…or in a movie–though the “owing” ends on the movie screen and doesn’t extend to when you see the person in the real world), none of us are owed the attention. Outside those scenarios, no one owes anyone showing off their body. Etc…
So, if you’ve been made to feel you owe it to others (outside of specific contexts) or that others owe it to you, you’re wrong. If you are in the first group, I hope you’ll find the self-compassion and the courage to reclaim yourself in the situation. If you’re in the latter, maybe you just needed someone to tell you the world doesn’t work that way. This is me, telling you that. And as you return to my whole dignity and respect thing and stop assuming you’re owed, I’ll bet you’ll get better attention, genuine good attention, when someone feels you’ve earned it. A lovely win-win situation.
Still with me? Next, the musical thing that relates. Which is, of course, two pieces. Cos, apparently, I do go on and on…
There’s this strange dynamic between fans and bands (and actors and some others, but my main experience is with bands). It’s so easy, on either side, to feel as if one is owed something by the other. You read or hear stories of fans who aggressively pursue the attention of artists they love because they think their love and their purchases of albums, film tickets, t-shirts, etc entitle them to a return of as much attention as they want. Of course, you also hear about artists who feel like their hard work (or, in sad cases, their pretty faces or just the time they’ve put in whether or not they’re talented) entitles them to success and fame and the adoration of fans.
As much as, in self-serving ways, I’d like both to be true, I’m afraid that’s just more of the unrealistic entitlement nonsense.
Yes, I’d love the hours and dollars and love I put toward artists to magically make them love me back. We could go out for meals and have great conversations…It would be brilliant. Really. But the fact is, I already got what I paid for. I got the album, saw the concert or film, wore the shirt, that sort of thing. And, yes, I do believe (as an artist) that I ought to show appreciation to those who support me (which is why I constantly mention in Varnish things how much I appreciate our fans and why, since we aren’t selling out stadiums yet and it’s logistically reasonable, I try to at least give a sincere “thanks for coming out” to those who come to shows). But there’s a line. And once someone gets bigger, I understand when they don’t hang out at the venue after to talk to me, even if I queued for hours and know every word and think they’re brilliant. Did they play the best show they could? Then I got what I paid for. I don’t even assume, those times they do come out to greet fans, that they’re up for pictures or, if they are, that they want every fan hanging on them. In that situation, I wait. I stand near enough for the photo, but they get to make the move. Arms around me or kisses in pictures? Yeah, they initiated that. (And, for the record, I totally support people like Wil Wheaton who generally don’t do hugs or even handshakes cos they’d rather not get sick. Or people like Nathan Fillion who pre-print cards for cons–a super cool move–because they know they can’t possibly give all the interaction fans hope.)
From the artist’s side, of course I’d love if the hours and dollars and efforts I put in magically translated to huge success. “Just achieve this many hours or these things, and you level up. You gain stardom and adoration!” But I understand that there are no guarantees in the arts. I hope that people hear me and love what we do and support us. I work hard because I believe I’m building a great thing. And, yeah, I get disappointed when turn out or response isn’t what I’d hoped. And there are days I wish that my passion was for law or medicine or running a daycare, cos I can point to the steps to get there and you can really get yourself most or all the way to the goal with hard work and perseverance. But those of us who love an art? We have no guarantees. We have fewer guarantees than our fans. (You buy a ticket and get a show…We can pay for services to help promote us and it doesn’t mean more than that someone else is now trying to help us get what we want. Not a sob story; just a fact of what we’ve chosen.)
Now, I’m going to go fulfill some obligations, because I feel like the commitments I’ve made mean that, yes, I do owe certain things to certain people. And then I’m going to work hard on trying to get the things I want. Cos, like I said, I don’t reckon I’m entitled to anything more than respect and dignity and the consequences (good or ill) of my actions.
xxx
Amber
ps Thanks for reading this. It was nice to put it outside my head, and I just hope it didn’t seem too ranty. Maybe it can, instead, inspire us all to be a little less entitled and a little more respectful, you think? I really believe people’s lives can be full of goodness if they spend more time using their assets and working hard and less time feeling entitled and fussing about things that don’t fit their entitled dreams. If this seemed too ranty, though, well…good thing I mostly keep politics out of blogs these days, cos…wow…can I be opinionated and ranty there!
(You can feel free to drop me a line, but I need to turn off comments on this because my captcha suddenly isn’t working on this post for some reason. Lame.)